It’s been a while since I’ve thought about this. And as I’ve discovered, nothing is set in stone, it’s a journey and I continually find and learn new things.
I think I’ve gotten past the clothes thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love the clothes! Even if I’m a little cold right now. The hair, the makeup, the shoes. I love it all. But as I’ve found, this is just one part of the experience.
Sure all of these things help make me look and feel like a girl. But none of them help me be a girl. And this is how I differ so much from my sistren at the Friday night social. Only a small percentage of them are trying to be a girl rather than just look like one.
When I go girl, I completely go girl. The look, talk, walk, think and really just be a girl. I can’t explain it more than that. It really is just being.
The past two days I’ve been down at the city to surf expo. We’ve been trying to get people to sign our petition and to promote our event. Thousands and thousands of people have been going by. Some stopping to chat and others charging by as if C2s had already started. Oh my it’s tiring work. In fact for a lot of the day you feel like you’re just standing around. But by the time I got home I couldn’t wait to get to bed!
At C2s, despite there being so many people there, not one of them made mention of my being transgender. Either I’m that good, and I don’t believe that because I can still see the boy underneath, or people are more accepting? And that’s what I’d like to believe.
Being on my feet all day I decided not to go with heels which was sad. I went with “princess spirits” complete with orthotics. The orthotics did their job but the toe box was a bit cramped so my big toes were not as happy, but I got through.
The thing that should have been the number one clue that I wasn’t like other girls was my skirt. Every other exhibitor, and I do mean every, was wearing a corporate top with jeans or pants or rarely shorts. Me? Black work polo with white box pleat skirt and my white “princess spirits”.
The thing I was really happy about after these two days was my voice. Lots of talking to people so if my voice was going get strained, this would be the time. And my voice made it through perfectly, which means I must be speaking properly and not straining my vocal chords, which is a real danger for girls like me, who learn their voices via YouTube. Most of the instructional videos here can help you find a girl voice, but end up straining your voice because of too much tension in your vocal chords.
So yes, I absolutely get to be a girl. And incredibly I get accepted as a girl, no questions asked. And as a result I’ve experienced much more of the feminine world than I could ever possibly have dreamed.
Is there still boy in here? Yes there is. I dream in boy. I don’t dream in girl or about being a girl. I occasionally have transgender dreams but they are very rare.
My default is boy. I have to consciously flick on the girl switch to be Loretta. But once I flick girl switch on, it’s on until I flick it off again.
Being a boy comes naturally to me. To be honest I have normal boy communication skills, so not that much. And I love the father and son relationship that I have with my 9 year old. It’s a boy relationship as opposed to a girl boy relationship that my wife has with him. Somehow it’s a bit more physical? Not sporty physical but just the rough and tumble I guess. And then there’s the wavelength and we both seem to be on the same boy wavelength.
Like I said, it’s natural for me. I’ve grown up with it. I understand it, but there’s more to me, there’s other desires and things that I want to express that bring out the girl in me. It might not be what I’ve grown up with but it is becoming second nature to me.
It’s confusing and strange at times to say the least. But it’s becoming normal. And it seems to work. I’m not saying that it’s perfect, I mean whose life is? But my life works, our lives work.
So boy, girl or both. I still think it’s both.
Photo by Tony Ross