Thirty two outfits later 

Thirty two outfits later and I have gone as far as I can go. I haven’t used any pieces of clothing more than once, knickers, bras and hose excluded. I have two more possible outfits, a lacey, white figure hugging dress, which I’m not sure where I would wear it. And a pair of white shorts with black pinstripes which should work with one of my t-shirts.

But with the AGM on Monday night I don’t think I will wear either of those outfits. So I have come to the end of my challenge to wear different outfits for as long as I can. 

It’s been a really good experience. I’ve discovered a confidence to wear clothing that I hadn’t before. I found clothes that I will never wear and that need to be donated (not many, phew!). I found clothes that I haven’t worn and really liked. And I found that I should never, never, never wear a button shirt with pants, because it makes me feel like a boy. 

Why? It didn’t matter that the shirt was definitely a girl’s blouse. It was shaped and translucent. I teamed this with black “parachute” pants. Definitely girl pants, they were cropped. Not Capri length though. With my bright floral stilettos it was most definitely a girl outfit. And one of my work colleagues said it was elegant. So why did I feel like a boy wearing it?

I think it was the combination. Essentially I was wearing shirt and pants. A combination I’ve worn thousands of times in my boy life. Even though the clothes were softer, girlier, and prettier. Putting them together was too much of a reminder of being a boy. I think I might be able to wear either of those pieces with something else. But together they say boy to me. Maybe the pants with my black floral crop? Maybe the blouse with my skinny blue jeans…or my flirty black shorts. Anything so long as they’re not together. 

So what did I wear first time back from my challenge? Does my bum look big? Yes I wore that dress from the photo shoot. It seemed appropriate seeing it was the AGM and my bum, in that dress is featuring prominently in our campaigns. And tomorrow I’ll will definitely be one of my favourite spring skirts. 

Ah skirts! I love my skirts! It’s so wonderful to be able to wear them. But until now I’ve always worn them with the armour of pantyhose. Now it’s too hot for pantyhose so I’ve taken the step of going bare-legged and it’s been just heavenly

Now I don’t have the best looking pins. They’ve suffered a bit of damage from kicking too many bicycle pedals. But because I ride a lot, they’re in good shape 🙂 So wearing pantyhose makes my legs look much better. And pantyhose somehow makes me feel a little less….exposed? Then there’s the added benefit that pantyhose helps keep me looking flat where I need to look flat😱

So no pantyhose, feeling exposed? And then there’s shoes! And I pretty much wear my pantyhose with all my shoes. Courts, pumps, flats, sandals, ankle boots. But now without pantyhose…hmm I better pack my boots away. But I love my boots! Especially when I’m out and about, because they’re so comfortable and easy to walk in. Looks like I better break out the short skinny socks!

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

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Does my bum look big? 

So we needed fresh photos for work for our advertising campaigns. Now given that we’re a tiny non-profit, we don’t have any budget for that. So we had to do it in house and we staff had to be the models. Oh did I mention the campaign coming up? This summer’s campaign is “bummer”.

It was a lot of fun mucking around on bikes taking photos for an hour. I don’t know that I could do it much longer though, or do it without my bike. Not only was it fun, it was a great bonding session as well.

The dress I’m wearing is actually one that I dug out of the I don’t know box. When I bought it, I pictured it as one of my work dresses. But this was early on in the piece when I was wearing pants all the time, before I became a dotti girl. And then the stitching was faulty and needed repair. So it went into the I don’t know box until I picked it out and fixed it up.

Never did I think that I would be wearing this dress, on my bike, getting a photo taken, of my bum! So does my bum look big? Bummer!

Oh and I never thought that I would ever post a picture of myself on my blog but there you go. Another first!

Photo by Kim Lavender

Dysphoria 

You never know when dysphoria is going to strike. Today I woke up with dysphoria and and struggled through the day. You would have thought that I had plenty of girl time already this week……but for some reason the moment I woke up on Saturday I was missing being a girl.

So what are the symptoms? I get anxious, a little shaky inside, and a little depressed. I know that if I let the girl in me out I’ll be alright. But sometimes life gets in the way. Today we’re picking up mum and going to the cemetery to visit my dad’s grave. Not that I haven’t been there before but it means there’s no time for girl time.

I slip on a pair of studs in my earlobes. The pair that my mum-in-law gave me along with my dad’s ring. Sadly they don’t do anything to alleviate my dysphoria. But it’s time to go so off we go.

Visiting dad’s grave is good. The plaque we had done looks great and the grass on the grave is looking better each time I see it. It’s only a quick visit and mum leaves dad a small pot with things from her garden. Agapanthus, bamboo, cactus, midnight queen. Despite the distraction I’m still anxious and shaky.

We head off to the shopping centre for lunch. And of course it’s jam packed. Finding parking is a nightmare. Especially as I watch the fuel guage drop from 3 to 2 to 1 bar. Dumb heavy car!

Now for me, the worst place to be when I have dysphoria is the shopping centre. Why? If I have dysphoria it means I’m not actually being a girl at that time. So shopping centre’s must be 60% aimed at females. We love to shop right? So all the displays of pretty summer dresses, and cute tops and short shorts. Ugh! It’s overwhelming.

I look at them and want to cry. Even if I was being girl today I couldn’t wear some of these pretty pieces. Off the shoulder tops? Not a chance. Spaghetti straps Ut-uh! And then worst of all there’s girls everywhere, and I’m envious of them all!

For the first time I feel pangs on envy when I see this pregnant lady. I don’t think it’s the pregnancy that I envy though. But can you express being female any more than when you’re pregnant? I hug myself, wishing that I could hug my breasts as well. I hurt inside.

I text S to tell her that I’m struggling. And she texts back that she’s struggling too. She was with her mum, and in boy-mode too. Maybe the stars are poorly aligned today?

Lunch and shopping over we drop mum home and head home ourselves. I’m still shaky and anxious. I have to go dig in the garage for some books and games for my son. While I’m there I slip on my ankle boots and I feel a bit better while I dig. But of course when I slip them off the dysphoria comes rushing back.

Time to spend some quality time with my son, so we hit the Mario galaxy for a while. Neither of us know what to do so it’s a steep learning curve but a lot of fun. But my dysphoria doesn’t disappear, it still lingers.

Afterwards I head for the showers. And I look at my body. I don’t hate my body. I like my boy bits. But I still have dysphoria. I’d love to have my own breasts. But could I deal with that if I had breasts permanently? All hypothetical of course. Hormones are not in my plan.

I get dressed, I’m no longer wearing earrings and ring, not that they helped at all. And I decide to wear one of my necklaces. The silver one that I got from brasnthings. The pendant drops lower than all of my other necklaces. And it’s definitely a girl necklace.

I slip it on, and…..it helps! I’m no longer anxious and shaky. I don’t feel 100% but I’m feeling so much better with my necklace on. But why? Admittedly I wear those earrings and the ring in boy mode sometimes so maybe they weren’t girl enough.

And I don’t really wear necklaces except for when I’m a girl. And I could feel it’s presence around my neck giving me girly vibes. So this time it helped, but will it help the next time or will I be desensitised now that I’ve worn my girl necklace in boy mode? I don’t know, but next time I have dysphoria I might give it a go first.

……………………………………………..

Sunday (the next day)

Today I have no dysphoria, it’s like any other day. I still have no idea why I was dysphoric yesterday. But at least I got through and found a solution for yesterday at least. Fingers crossed that it works next time too….but I have my doubts.

Photo by Léa Dubedout

It’s summer! 

So it’s officially summer, and lucky me gets to go to counselling today. It’s another warm day so it looks like summer is heating up. Sky blue baby T, and my favourite white floral circle skirt. It’s been a long time since I’ve worn this skirt and I’ve missed her. But I have been getting to wear a lot more of my clothes 😀

I’m starting to get a little worried. I’m going on holiday for a month after Christmas. I do this every year. But this year it will come after a whole year of being a girl at work. You know me? Girl at work, boy at home? So I’m worried about how I will cope without my girl side for a month? 

I know I did it last year, but that was after only 7 weeks of girl at work. This time it’s been pretty much a whole year. So I’m a little anxious to say the least. I’m really expecting withdrawal symptoms this time. And I really don’t think I will make it through without having to find Loretta.

So what do I do? Girl at work, boy at home is very much the line I’ve drawn to make things easier at home and at work. The consistency helps everyone else, and to be honest I kind of like the routine. But it doesn’t do me any favours at holiday time. 

I suspect I will need girl time. Question is when? I don’t want to spend a lot of time with my wife and son as a girl. I think that might be too confronting. Oh I know they’ve seen me heaps all dressed up, coming and going. But that’s boy in a dress, that’s not actually me being a girl, 

It’s like I’m a crossdresser, boy underneath, girl clothes on top. They actually haven’t met girl me, they actually haven’t met Loretta. And I’m not sure that they’ll want to. In actual fact, in my family, only my mum has had a lot of interaction with Loretta. I don’t drop the girl when I visit as Loretta. 

My sisters have only met Loretta, at mum’s when we happened to be there at the same time, and at the hospital when dad wasn’t well. So to be honest I’m really a bit of a mystery girl to my whole family! How crazy is that? They know I exist but they don’t really know me. Do I want to go there? I don’t know. 

……………………………………………….. 

Did I mention that I look forward to counselling? Well I’ve just finished my session and had a revelation! I always thought that the free counselling I was getting was only to deal with my gender issues. But it actually turns out that the counselling is for those of us who are gender diverse. So this time we talked about a lot of different things. 

And now Candy has a much better picture of what I’m going through and how much stress I have. It was so good to get those things off my chest. Things I’d only thought about but never told anyone. And the only reason we got there was because I mentioned that my GP had referred me for counselling for stress with another counsellor but I never went because I couldn’t afford it. And then Candy said that I could talk with her about it. Oh God! I’m sure my blonde roots are showing!

It was a really good session for me. Normally I don’t need the full hour. But I’m sure I could have talked for another hour. So gender issues getting smaller but other life issues are weighing me down. But at least I have someone to help me through it 🙂

Photo by Todd DeSantis

Icebreaker? 

It’s funny, well really it’s not. I’ve been lucky enough to go to a couple of transgender meetings this month. Both the queer agenda, and the women’s group meeting. Somehow after introductions the conversation turns to THE big issue in our transgender lives……toilets 🙂

For lucky me, toilets are a non-issue. I pass reasonably well so I just go to the toilet for the gender I’m dressed as. That’s not to say that I’m not a little extra careful in the girls’ toilets. But for others it is a problem because they don’t pass as well. And they certainly have had issues, and will continue to have issues. And it’s crazy that this happens because they just need to go for a wee. Well sometimes a number 2. And maybe to fix their makeup…just like anyone else. 

At both of these meetings this month, this  seemed to be the ice breaker topic. The one where everyone had a point of view and that we could “bond” over. Once we got past this then we could talk about some of the deeper things in our lives. Sadly for me I’ve got nothing to add to these discussions. So I just wait until we get past it.

And when we did get past the toilets, it was great. For a lot of us, we want to know what is next? What should we be doing? And for each one of it will be different. Some of us are thinking hormones and surgery. Whilst I’m the opposite, definitely no surgery nor hormones. And then there’s those of us who are lost in the middle and unsure of what to do next. 

And that’s what I love to help with. I’m no guru. My experiences are way different to anyone elses. But hopefully I can open eyes to what is possible, and maybe provide some suggestions to help them to explore further. I’m sure that their journey will have a different destination than mine. But I do hope that I can help them continue on their way. 

For me, these group sessions are to help each other. I listen for things that might help me. So I’m very quiet most of the time. And if we’re talking toilets, I’ve got nothing to say. But if there’s something I can help with, I definitely share my experiences. 

The nice thing about the queer agenda meeting this month was that there were 10 people there! I’d gotten used to just a handful of people so it was good to see so many people there. And most of them were young…….mid twenties. And it was a real mixture this time round. It was so good. 

I’m not sure that K is best facilitator but it was a good night nevertheless. It looks like we’ll be staying with 2 hour sessions at 5.30 on a Friday. So that works out really well for me. 

The women’s group seemed to be the senior women’s group. I was the youngest one there. I’m guessing they’re struggling to attract women my age to this session. And I’m going to bet that it’s because we’re all working at 1.30pm! 

Given the timing of the session I would just about write this off as a once only experience. However the facilitator is trying to get a voice coach in for one of the sessions, and I’d really like to go to that one. So I might try to get to some more of these to see what else is on offer. 

Sadly I’m way too old for the young women’s group (up to 30) so I guess that’s it for groups I can attend. Things can be a bit hit and miss at these meetings, but it’s certainly good to be able to make contact with those with similar issues. I thoroughly recommend it…..provided you can put up with the toilet stories…….

Photo by Julien Delaunay 

I have so many clothes! 

Oh my! I seem to have built up quite a wardrobe full of clothes over the past year and a half. My poor wardrobe is much too full. It’s got lots of nice new girl clothes. Well a shelf full….and I do mean full! But there’s also my boy clothes and my bike riding clothes. So it’s very full.

I haven’t bought any clothes for a while now. Well excluding pantyhose that is. Oh and excluding that free guess t-shirt. The thing is, I’ve been consciously wearing different clothes every day for two weeks now. And I’ve realised that I could do this for a while longer still. 

So I’ve decided that I’m going to wear a different outfit every working day of November. And I mean not wearing the same piece of clothing twice. This doesn’t include undies…. I might have enough knickers but I certainly don’t have enough bras or pantyhose. Hmmm I might go close to making it in shoes but I’ve already worn a couple of pairs at least twice. 

So I know it’s do-able. A quick count says there’s 3 pairs of jeans, 4 short skirts, 3 midi skirts, and 2 dresses that I haven’t worn in the past two weeks. So if I can find some matching tops then that’s 12 more outfits. That gets me to the 28th….hmm looks like I might be wearing shorts for a couple of days. I can do this!

……………………………………………………………….

OK so I’m 3 weeks in… So far 16 different outfits (well a girl has to go out sometimes right?) …. But 2 of those days were in October! However I’m going to challenge myself, so I’m not going to wear those two outfits in November….no matter how much I want to be Belle again!

Now it’s getting tricky. I’m getting down to pieces that I don’t like as much / haven’t worn much. But I have to if I’m going to wear something different every day. A check of my wardrobe shows that I can make another 10 days….but that means dipping into like a black pleated skirt I don’t like. And a black dress that I have never worn to work. It’s actually the oldest dress I have. But I’m worried it’s a little too short ….even if it does have a work look about it.

So  I’m confident of making it to the end of November…in fact to first December. Question is… Do I really push myself and go another week? That will bring in pants I haven’t worn, leggings, a dress that I put in the “I dont think so”  bag, along with a couple of pairs of shorts which might not really be work wear. I won’t go any further though…. I want to be nicely dressed for the AGM! TBC.

……………………………………………………………. 

So it’s on! I’m going to keep on going until 8th December. I actually did wear my old LBD. I didn’t realise that it’s so old that it’s a little bit see through….hmm not sure I’m going there again. And I’ve figured out the schedule. Two more weeks, each week will be short skirt, midi skirt, pants, shorts and a dress. I even have a backup dress that I pulled out of the I don’t know pile 🙂

Some of these clothes have never been worn. Tried on yes, but never actually worn out of the house. It’s not that they’re too revealing or anything like that. It’s that I haven’t had the confidence to wear them. And then you know how it is. You just keep on wearing your favourites. 

And then there are the clothes that I’d really like to wear. But sadly I got the shape all wrong and still bought it. Like  my red long sleeve Henley with the gold sparkle. Oh I how I love the colour and the look. I’d wear it all the time if it weren’t for one thing….  It really shows that my boobs are fake 😦 And you know how much passing is important to me? When I wear that, I don’t pass. 

But I have new hope for pieces that I haven’t worn. That long sleeve black floral crop? I think it will work with either of my  blue or black high waist jeans. But it’s too warm for that combination! Even my red dress yesterday was a little too warm….and that’s cut as low as I can get away with and the hem is as high as I’m comfortable with! It must be because of the lining…..and because I always wear pantyhose. Well they make my legs look good! Sigh! Girl…I’m definitely a 👧! 

So the next couple of weeks will be interesting as I get to the bottom of the pile. This week I saw the retirement of my old LBD, I think. It’s too see through now! But it also found me wearing some really nice short shorts that I might just start including in the rotation. However I’m really struggling to include some of my crop t-shirts that I used to wear all the time.

Tomorrow it’s back on the bus and train  for me. My bike’s brakes are a little dodgy so it’s staying in the garage until I get some new brake pads. So that means that my clothes for the week need to be fit for public transport. I’d rather avoid any unwanted attention on the bus and train so I tend to dress more conservatively. But right now choices are limited! But that’s OK because I’m up for the challenge!

Photo by Shanna Camilleri 

Long days.

I’ve had some long days over the last month and a half. I’m really looking forward to the end of this week when hopefully things will have calmed down. There’s just been so much work to do. And then throw in the couple of odd occasions when my son was sick or not sleeping well and I haven’t been getting much rest. Yesterday just showed how exhausted I am. By 930am I was already tired and headachy and it didn’t get any better all day.
But really that’s just life right? So what’s happening in Loretta’s life? Any moving mountains? It’s hard to say that I have achieved or learned anything amazing in recent times… Work, eat, sleep repeat. OK so maybe I exaggerate. I did manage to go to counselling, and to the Gender Queer meeting. And I tried to go to the women’s group meeting….only to find out it was a late cancellation. So what did I learn? 

Well not all group facilitators are equal. K is lovely but she struggled to keep us on track the way AM did. And that’s probably because she’s new to this but I wonder how the next meeting will go. It won’t take long to find out though because the next meeting is Friday. 

It was however fantastic to catch up with S, and I got to meet E. E is such a wealth of information its amazing. After the meeting the 3 of us went to dinner as well which was really nice. S seems to be on fire with her life now which is fantastic to see. The change from where she was when I first met her, to the giant strides she’s taken to becoming who she is now is simply outstanding. I’m so, so happy for you girl! 

The women’s group meeting was such a disappointment. I cleared my afternoon especially to make it to the meeting. Only to find out when I got there that it was cancelled 😦 I did meet C though and she pleaded with me to come to the next meeting. We’ll see what we can do. Given how many hours I’ve been putting in at work, I think I might deserve the afternoon off. So I think I’m better than 50/50 chance. 
But again that’s nothing really. I don’t think that I have anything significant to say. Life is continuing on. I did get to out myself to the new membership manager. And the world didn’t end. It’s very much like my being transgender doesn’t matter….which is all I could ever want. So from a work point of view life as a transgender girl is pretty peachy keen 🙂 If only there wasn’t so much work! 

On the home front, things are good but not great. Things will never be the same between my wife and I. We still love each other and we’re still together. But it’s different and I’m scared to try and fix it. I guess in that regard I’m struggling to believe in myself.

And this is why I blog. I didn’t think I had anything big to say. And yet I do. This really is the biggest thing in my life. My relationship with my wife. And it’s kind of on hold. So thank you blog for getting me back on track.

Photo by Andalucía Andaluía 

Halloween 

I’m not sure why I chose Halloween to make my first appearance as a girl at work last year, but I did. The timing seemed right though. The busy time at work was over and there were only 3 people coming in that day. And I’m so glad that I did, because that was the first step of so many more, to becoming the girl I am. 

To be able to express the girl that I am, for pretty much half of my waking hours each week has been wonderful. And now it’s been a year. It’s crazy to think that it’s actually been a whole year. I’ve learnt so much, but am still a long, long way from being totally confident as a girl. I’m comfortable, but not confident. 

But that’s OK. I can continue on my journey and gain more and more confidence. I’m already so much more confident than when I started. That first week was a so different to how I am now.  At work I wasn’t confident with talking to anyone who wasn’t staff. But with practice that confidence came. 

And then for a few months I struggled with my voice, which wanted to default to boy, if I wasn’t concentrating on girl. But after lots of practice speaking with people, AND a lot of singing (Let it go, How far I’ll go etc) it now comes naturally. So much so that when I’m girl I speak like a girl. And when I’m boy I speak like a boy. And it just happens, I don’t even think about it.

And there’s been lots of trial and error, which is great because if I don’t make mistakes I’m not trying hard enough. That gorgeous white long sleeve lace top makes me look huge! Red lipstick works for me, but it draws too much attention. Especially seeing as it always seems to bleed. Don’t get me started on foundation… Oh. My. God. It took forever for me to find something that I was comfortable with. But, all this trial and error over the past year, has brought me to the point where I feel that, at least I have my look together now.

And on my journey I’ve completed rites of passage like, getting my ears pierced which felt like such an achievement. “Oh my God, I did it!”. I actually whispered that in awe, when I looked in the mirror at the salon. Earlier this week I saw a photo of a friend’s young daughter, who had her ears pierced the other day, and I recognised that smile. That was exactly how I felt! 

And now I regularly go to the beauty salon to get my eyebrows done. And I’m a regular at the laser clinic where they clear up some stray hairs. And I no longer shave but I am getting pretty good with a pair of tweezers. 

And how far have I come in the fashion stakes? I started out wearing a lot of pants and jeans with casual tops. And as my wardrobe slowly started to expand I found a lot of box pleat skirts that I just loved. And then it became fit and flare….every day! Now I still love my fit and flare. AND I love my jeans and stripey tops. But I try to mix it up every day now. Dresses, short A-line skirts, sleeveless tops, pencil skirts, shorts, they’ve all become part of my wardrobe and I try to wear them all. 

Shoes! Oh my God! I have too many shoes, but not enough! Girl, I’m definitely a girl! 🙂 I started out being practical. Black courts, nude pumps, tan flats. You know easy to mix and match. But what am I wearing nowadays? My pink double strap mules are my go to. My floral stiletto sandals are on standby. And my taupe block heel ankle boots have taken me all over the city. My flat white sandals are the ones I go to when the rest of my outfit has enough colour. 

Boob problems. I’ve had a couple. Starting with being allergic to the super duper expensive ones. And extending to whoa! I need some bigger bras. That was after I ordered new boobs in the same size as the old ones, only for them to be a cup size bigger! And then having my boobs turning to mush and getting replaced under warranty.. Phew! 

So here we are, it’s Halloween again and I have come so far and there’s still a long way to go, but I’m on my journey. No I didn’t wear a costume last year. But it was a great opportunity to start being myself in real life. This year? Still no costume but I am trying my best to channel Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I don’t think I’m succeeding but I do look cute 😉

Photo by Ian Schneider 

So where to from here? 

So I know that life is a journey but where to from here? I’ve spent the last few months trying to understand a bit more about me. And I think that I know a lot more about myself than I did before.

So here is where I am. I’m a girl at heart. I’m married to the girl that I love. But she’s not in love with the girl that I am, and I think she feels like she’s lost her husband. I have a son who loves me, but he doesn’t really understand why daddy likes to be a girl. We’re still together and I don’t think that we’re at risk of breaking up.

I’m a girl at work, and a boy at home. Obviously not the most blokey of boys, but a boy just the same. And that’s OK. I’m comfortable being a boy at home. Like I’ve said I don’t hate being a boy. But I do need to indulge my girl side.

My life as a girl is amazingly good. I have been constantly expecting bad things to happen. But they never do. Somehow I’m blessed. Or I pass very well as a girl. I’m my own worst critic so I can’t believe that people don’t pick me as actually being a boy. But then even people who know that I’ve changed don’t recognise me. The auditors came in this year, knowing that I was now Loretta. But still didn’t recognise me when they came.

At work I’m totally accepted as a girl. They’ve all been so amazing for their acceptance. I’m a lucky girl, and I’m continually shaking my head in amazement.

My mum loves me and is comfortable with Loretta being around. I think she likes the way I dress. I do try to dress nicely and as stylishly as I can. It must be strange for her to think that of her children, it’s her son who is the most stylishly dressed of her 4 girls.

So everything is good. It’s not perfect but it’s very very good. There’s no drama in my life, and I am who I am. So where to from here? I don’t know. And I really don’t know that I have more to blog about. The journey continues but big questions have been answered.

I’m a girl at heart. But I’m not going to transition. And I’ll make sure that my family stays together.

Photo by Emily Morter

Counselling day

Well actually not only is it counselling day, it’s also GQ meeting day! Hooray! I think the last one was in June, and I’ve missed these meetings. However the missing meetings did give me the chance to get to know S better, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

Today I’ve tried to stack a few things in between the two meetings. Optometrist, lunch with old work friends and a new bike light. But it’s a pretty wet day and traffic is already jammed up. I should make counselling on time though as my plan was to be an hour early so I could get a coffee and have a think. 

So life in general has been pretty busy this past month. Seriously not enough time to do everything. Major event at work (10,000 people on bikes) followed by audit followed by AGM. Throw in my family and my elderly mum and it’s very busy. Now throw in my double identity and it’s barely under control.

But that’s OK, I am who I am. Even if I haven’t fully defined that yet. And maybe I never will. But right now I’m on the bus. And I’m checking out all the girls. Their hair, their clothes, their look. And I’m still envious. Even though I’m dressed similarly. Long hair, cute dress, ankle boots. So why am I envious? I think it’s because they’re girls. 

Counselling is over for the day. I really like coming to speak with Candy. I never know what to expect, or where the conversation will go. But it always gives me some sense of direction at the end of it. So where am I? I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I am a girl at heart.

Candy mentioned that the first time she saw me, she wasn’t sure of my gender until I told her. I guess if a gender counsellor can’t tell, then I must be in the middle somewhere. I know that there’s still boy in me. That’s probably my lazy side. But I can’t deny it, I love being a girl.

So what do I do? I think I just need to accept that I’m a girl at heart. And then I need to make sure I do everything I can to keep my family safe, happy and together because they’re the most important part of my life.

Photo by Bart LaRue

So if I’m a girl……. 

So if I’m a girl, what about all this boyness that I have? Is it all just a front that I’ve built up over my life? Is it my tomboy side?
I’m not sure. But I do know that I hide a lot of the time. Ha! Here I am hiding myself as a girl at work after being there for most of my 10 years as a boy. But even now as a girl at work I’m now hiding the boy side! There is no sign of boy at work. So is this the true me?

I had another dip into gender dysphoria yesterday. Yes it was late Friday afternoon and I didn’t want to de-girl. So Loretta rode home from work. This is starting to become a little too regular. So what does it mean? Am I really a girl?

Right now I’m at the night noodle market, in boy mode. And I’m surrounded by girls. I look at them and wonder, “Am I like them?” I certainly don’t have their background, their natural femininity. Oh I can express plenty of femininity if I try. 

But honestly I feel that I’m different to most girls. And it’s much like I feel I’m different from most boys. So maybe I am in the middle….maybe I am bigender.

It’s funny. There’s so many people here, but I don’t really see the boys. It’s like they’re not girls, so my vision just passes them by. And they become part of the background. But the girls I notice. Not like a boy notices girls though.

It’s more like, “oh I like that trench coat”, “how does she wear those heels on the grass?”, “I love that skirt”, “could I carry that cute bag”, “ooh that jacket is tight, I don’t think I could get away with that”, “sigh I wish I could wear that spaghetti strap dress”. Definitely girl thoughts. 

But do girl thoughts make me a girl? Particularly when the girl thoughts seem to be mostly about clothes, or how I look? Maybe. I think it’s the tip of the iceberg and there is a whole lot more going on underneath that I need to think about.

Photo by Vladimir Tsokalo 

Throwing out the garbage. 

Monday, the day after our big event is always a huge cleanup. Despite everyone being tired from preparing for, and running the event we still had a heap of cleaning to do. And I had to get the generator back to the hire place and then the truck back to hertz. 

So I managed to get everyone to start getting as much garbage onto the truck as possible as fast as they could, because the clock was ticking and I was running out of time. So there was actually some garbage. But also there were lots of things to throw out. Like old medals, old collateral, cardboard boxes etc etc. Anyway the floor of the truck was full by the time I left. 

Off to the tip! Yuck! The tip is never a pleasant place to be. It’s smelly and dirty and you have to watch your step. Maybe I should have thought about what I was wearing a bit more carefully. I really didn’t want to wreck my nice white guess t-shirt, the one that screams girl because it hugs my curves. And I really didn’t want to wreck my favourite orange-red short shorts either. So I was trying to be careful. 

And then it happened. I was taking so long to unload the truck the tip guy came over to have a look. And then he looked at me and decided to offer his help to unload the truck. In all my years of coming to the tip this was a first. They certainly never ever offered to help before. But I guess this was Loretta’s first time at the tip. Well I wasn’t going to say “no thank you” now was I? So thank you Mr tip man for your help! 

Painting of Shirley Manson from Garbage. Of course painted with Cherry Lips.