Is this my Mid life crisis?

Am I having my mid-life crisis? If I look at the timing of being desperate to get out and live the life of Loretta, I’d have to say yes. I mean if I don’t get out and live now, when will I? When I’m dead? 

I know there’s been times in my life when I’ve thought if I don’t do girl now then when will I? Of course none of those times resulted in anything like my current life. Back in those times it was still just play. Just dress up games really. Even if I did want to experience more, I never really did. 

There’s been times in recent years when I’ve been absolutely desperate to frock up. Anxiety kind of desperate. And while putting on a nice dress and heels helped, there was this nagging feeling that there was something else that was missing. Like it wasn’t real. I think I needed real and not pretend.  

And I think this is why I’m further along the transgender spectrum than being a crossdresser. I mean for most of my life that’s what I thought I was. Someone who liked to dress up as a girl sometimes. But now having lived the life of Loretta for nearly 8 months, I know that I’m a lot further along the spectrum and I currently think that I’m gender queer. 

To give you some idea of how I view the transgender spectrum I see it with crossdresser at one end and transexual at the other. In between these points you’ll find pangender, agender, gender queer and a whole bunch of of other genders. I might be bigender. Who knows? 

My girls at the Friday night social, who are almost all crossdressers, really drove home the point that I was different to them. Like I’ve said before when I go girl, I really go girl! For them its more like they go dress like girls but mostly don’t act like girls. So underneath all that feminine finery they’re still boys. Underneath all my feminine finery there’s this girl….

What’s underneath the boy clothes though? Am I boy or girl? I say it’s boy, but is that true? My wife says that I enjoy being a girl more than I enjoy being a boy. Is this true? I don’t know. I know I’m enjoying girl music at the moment. Katy Perry, Rihanna and of course Taylor Swift.

I’m loving the stories in her songs. And I get a bit emotional and teary over some of them. Love story and you belong to me to name a couple. And as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more emotional and teary. I don’t remember being like this when I was younger. Maybe I was suppressing it.

But Taylor makes me feel like, “dancing like I’m twenty two ooh ooh!”…. and then I remember. I remember when I was younger, watching music videos, wishing I could dance like those girls. I looked at them with envy, not the lust you would expect from a boy of that age. And now I know why. 

My fave TV show back then? Charlie’s Angel’s… Courageous, smart, fighting for good and oh my, so attractive! Kelly Garrett was my favourite. Did I have a crush on her? Oh I liked her a lot but I’m not sure that it was a crush or that I wanted to be like her, or Kris Munroe. Funnily enough I didn’t want to be like Jill or Sabrina. 

Ah the love boat. Only one reason to watch that and that reason was Julie. Everybody else was just there to fill in around her. Did I have a crush on her? Yes! Did I want to be her? No. 

Ah Hermione! No not Emma Watson but Kaz cooke’s cartoon character, was a part of my growing up. I loved her attitude, her sass. There was definitely something about her that I really identified with. So much so that one year I bought her diary to use for the year and I loved it. Sadly it was a once only edition so I didn’t get one the following year. But at least I was able to connect and engage my inner girl for a year. Not that I knew that’s what I was doing. It was just an extension of my liking girl’s clothes. 

So this girl thing? It’s been a part of me forever…well at least I remember it back to the age of 7 or 8. And it’s been part of me every since. Sure there were times when I didn’t touch girl things for a month. But that would have been the longest period. 

I know that lots of us have times when we’ve felt guilty and said that we’re not wearing girls clothes again and we’ve thrown everything out. Only to have to start from scratch again. But that’s not me. Sure I’ve had a lot of times when I’ve thrown out a lot of clothes. But that’s been more because I’ve been maturing. “These things are so skanky! I can’t believe that I wore them!” So I guess it’s been more a part of me growing up. 

My girl side came into being in my childhood but was only around every so often. Not the day in and day out of my boy side. As a result she didn’t experience life and mature as quickly as my boy side did. I actually think she’s a lot younger than my boy side. Probably 15 years younger…and at times she shows the maturity and skills of a teenager. But with more and more real life experience I’m maturing, and honing my skills. This is no crisis. I’m just growing up. ☺️

 Photo is Xperia stock

Honk honk!???

Sigh! Missed the bus again this morning. 15 seconds away again and it was 3 minutes early. Grrrr! So another 17 minutes standing around in the cold. 

Today however, I’m not as well prepared as usual as it was a late decision to bus it rather than ride. This meant back up clothes and wig and makeup instead of my usual things. It’s not that I look bad, just different to my usual look. 

Today I have my long straight wig with a fringe. She’s never been out in public so this is a first. My usual wig is just below shoulder length. But this one is another 10cm longer. I don’t have my winter coat as it’s at work. So instead I have my white quilted bomber jacket. Underneath I’m wearing my coral long sleeve ribbed top, with a singlet AND a bodysuit to keep me warm. A pair of blue high waisted jeans and my white runners complete the ensemble.

So whats a girl to do at stupid o’clock when there’s another 17 minutes until the bus arrives? Not much except stand around and listen to music. “…. It feels like one of those nights. We ditch the whole scene….” Of course there’s no one else silly enough to be up and waiting for a bus. It’s just me, a few joggers and cars and trucks going by. 

Honk! 3 cars go by. I guess one of them drifted in to the others lane. “….It feels like one of those nights. We won’t be sleeping!….” Did I mention that I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift? All of a sudden I’ve got her in my head all the time. And I’m just going with it. 22, you belong with me, shake it off, love story, mine. They’re all on repeat in my head…and this morning, on my phone too. 

Come on bus where are you? Now there’s only one car on the road. Honk! What th..? Oh! The cars are honking at me! Oh that’s just really weird. I’ve never been on this side of the fence before. Actually I’ve never been on the other side of the fence either. I guess I’ve been on the fence…..which makes perfect sense to me. 

So how do I feel about this? In one sense it’s oh good, I pass. But to be honked at? Maybe I went too far with my look. I just want to blend in. Wait! I didn’t ask to be honked at. Was I wearing a sign that says honk if you think I’m cute? And what were those drivers thinking? Oh I really don’t want to know. That just makes me feel dirty. Ew! 

I guess this sort of thing is what girls all over the world put up with all the time. It’s not right that we get objectified. But the world isn’t perfect. And while there’s a long way to go for transgender acceptance. I think this is something that may never be overcome. It seems to be too ingrained in society and across cultures for there to be a real and tangible solution. It’s not right at all but I’m going to have to leave this as….oh good, I pass. 

Photo by Jannik Selz 

Just another day

Missed the bus by 15 seconds this morning. It was 4 minutes early 😦 So I got to spend the next 18 minutes standing around in the cold. Luckily I had both my crane bomber and my new black winter coat. It’s only a lightweight coat but it certainly made a difference. A white top and navy pants completed my outfit. Except that it wasn’t complete. I had my white runners on because my brown ankle boots were at work. No matter I’ll switch later. 

It was only 6 degrees this morning and it certainly felt like it. Especially walking through the park to work in the dark. Good thing I brought my bike lights with me. Plenty of bikes whizzing past so it was good to have some lights so they could see me! 

So why am I up so early AND not riding my bike? Well I’ve got a meeting later today in the city which will mean I go straight home from there, so there’s no point in riding in. And there’s a bunch of stuff I need to get done before I go and I need to squeeze in a personal visit to the court too. And maybe a visit to that little Vietnamese restaurant for lunch 🙂 Busy! 

I’m finding that my girl side is opening up a side to me that I wasn’t expecting. You know me? Triple j listener? Like forever? I still listen to triple j but also find that I’m listening to more mainstream music too. Things I would never have listened to before. Katy Perry, Rihanna and oh my god, Taylor Swift. I just can’t shake it off. In fact I’m finding myself listening to all of her back catalogue. I never knew she was so country…and that I would like it! I only knew shake it up before but I’m really enjoying her storylines and her music. What’s happening to me? Sigh! I don’t know but I’m going to enjoy it 🙂

Today it’s also been really nice to be able to window shop without drawing undue attention to myself. Before it was a furtive glance at a window as I walked by. Now I can actually stop and check out the shoes or tops or dresses as I like. It’s just so nice to be able to do that. 

The downside today was getting a peanut crumb stuck on my lipstick. I couldn’t tell until I got to the ladies for a makeup check. Oh and then the wind down at barangaroo. Oh my goodness! Thankfully no skirt for me today. High chance of it blowing up around my head….well maybe not that bad. My skirts have survived me riding along at 30kmh so they’d probably would have been safe in the wind. My hair however, let’s just say that wind is not a great friend of wigs. I was in definite need of a brush by the time I got inside. 

Actually a brush has become one of my most needed cycling accessories. Park bike, helmet off, brush hair. Fortunately I found a travel brush that folds up and takes up minimal room in my handbag. And it has a mirror on the handle. It’s not as good as my wire brush but at least it makes me presentable, and I can carry it everywhere. 

I couldn’t believe I ordered a Brownie. I was just going to get a coffee, a long black, then all of a sudden someone wanted a Brownie to go with it. Is this my girl side wanting a chocolate fix? Or am I just compensating for the fact that I can’t have milk in my coffee. I’m not sure but it certainly was the girl with the initial L that ordered it! Oh and it was delicious. I was right to order it!  

I also got to do one of my favourite things from years ago. Catch a ferry home. I used to walk 2k everyday to get the boat because it was a great way to unwind after a long day. It’s still just as good! I love riding my bike home too but it takes a lot of concentration. Still a great way to unwind but you have to keep your wits about you. 

And seeing I was in the vacinity I dropped in on mum. Just a quick visit to update her on what’s going on and to see if she needed anything. As I was leaving she told me my clothes were pretty. Sigh! What more could a girl want from her mum? 🙂 Definitely gives a girl confidence. Yep just another day. 

Photo by Julia Caesar