Is this my Mid life crisis? 

Am I having my mid-life crisis? If I look at the timing of being desperate to get out and live the life of Loretta, I’d have to say yes. I mean if I don’t get out and live now, when will I? When I’m dead? 

I know there’s been times in my life when I’ve thought if I don’t do girl now then when will I? Of course none of those times resulted in anything like my current life. Back in those times it was still just play. Just dress up games really. Even if I did want to experience more, I never really did. 

There’s been times in recent years when I’ve been absolutely desperate to frock up. Anxiety kind of desperate. And while putting on a nice dress and heels helped, there was this nagging feeling that there was something else that was missing. Like it wasn’t real. I think I needed real and not pretend.  

And I think this is why I’m further along the transgender spectrum than being a crossdresser. I mean for most of my life that’s what I thought I was. Someone who liked to dress up as a girl sometimes. But now having lived the life of Loretta for nearly 8 months, I know that I’m a lot further along the spectrum and I currently think that I’m gender queer. 

To give you some idea of how I view the transgender spectrum I see it with crossdresser at one end and transexual at the other. In between these points you’ll find pangender, agender, gender queer and a whole bunch of of other genders. I might be bigender. Who knows? 

My girls at the Friday night social, who are almost all crossdressers, really drove home the point that I was different to them. Like I’ve said before when I go girl, I really go girl! For them its more like they go dress like girls but mostly don’t act like girls. So underneath all that feminine finery they’re still boys. Underneath all my feminine finery there’s this girl….

What’s underneath the boy clothes though? Am I boy or girl? I say it’s boy, but is that true? My wife says that I enjoy being a girl more than I enjoy being a boy. Is this true? I don’t know. I know I’m enjoying girl music at the moment. Katy Perry, Rihanna and of course Taylor Swift.

I’m loving the stories in her songs. And I get a bit emotional and teary over some of them. Love story and you belong to me to name a couple. And as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more emotional and teary. I don’t remember being like this when I was younger. Maybe I was suppressing it.

But Taylor makes me feel like, “dancing like I’m twenty two ooh ooh!”…. and then I remember. I remember when I was younger, watching music videos, wishing I could dance like those girls. I looked at them with envy, not the lust you would expect from a boy of that age. And now I know why. 

My fave TV show back then? Charlie’s Angel’s… Courageous, smart, fighting for good and oh my, so attractive! Kelly Garrett was my favourite. Did I have a crush on her? Oh I liked her a lot but I’m not sure that it was a crush or that I wanted to be like her, or Kris Munroe. Funnily enough I didn’t want to be like Jill or Sabrina. 

Ah the love boat. Only one reason to watch that and that reason was Julie. Everybody else was just there to fill in around her. Did I have a crush on her? Yes! Did I want to be her? No. 

Ah Hermione! No not Emma Watson but Kaz cooke’s cartoon character, was a part of my growing up. I loved her attitude, her sass. There was definitely something about her that I really identified with. So much so that one year I bought her diary to use for the year and I loved it. Sadly it was a once only edition so I didn’t get one the following year. But at least I was able to connect and engage my inner girl for a year. Not that I knew that’s what I was doing. It was just an extension of my liking girl’s clothes. 

So this girl thing? It’s been a part of me forever…well at least I remember it back to the age of 7 or 8. And it’s been part of me every since. Sure there were times when I didn’t touch girl things for a month. But that would have been the longest period. 

I know that lots of us have times when we’ve felt guilty and said that we’re not wearing girls clothes again and we’ve thrown everything out. Only to have to start from scratch again. But that’s not me. Sure I’ve had a lot of times when I’ve thrown out a lot of clothes. But that’s been more because I’ve been maturing. “These things are so skanky! I can’t believe that I wore them!” So I guess it’s been more a part of me growing up. 

My girl side came into being in my childhood but was only around every so often. Not the day in and day out of my boy side. As a result she didn’t experience life and mature as quickly as my boy side did. I actually think she’s a lot younger than my boy side. Probably 15 years younger…and at times she shows the maturity and skills of a teenager. But with more and more real life experience I’m maturing, and honing my skills. This is no crisis. I’m just growing up. ☺️

 Photo is Xperia stock

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