Last day of the year 

Well last day of the financial year at least. Given my work it’s a particularly busy day. Actually it’s been silly busy all week. Latest I’ve been up and getting ready for work was 5.18am. I’m ready for a lie in tomorrow that’s for sure.

It’s been a quiet month for posts. Partly a function of it being a busy time and also because I’ve blogged a lot of stuff that’s been on my mind for a long time. But now that’s off my chest I’m really only posting current stuff. So maybe my blog is going to be going through quieter times from now on.

Anyway today is another meeting with my GQ group. I must say that I have been looking forward to it for a few weeks now. Hopefully I can get there on time. It’s an early start and today being last day it should be a busy one. Hopefully R & O are there from last time. I’d like to know more of their stories. And if not then I’m interested to see how the facilitator leads us. All in all I think it should be a good night.

So it’s another adventure today. 5am makeup call. First time I’ve made it out the door at this hour with my makeup complete. With our bathroom being open and it being a small house with open bedroom doors I don’t turn on the main bathroom light. So it’s a little tricky to see everything. However I’ve gotten more confident over the months and thought I would give it a go. I think I did OK, I don’t think I look like a clown. And I didn’t poke myself in the eye with the eyeliner or mascara. Actually the hardest part was the lipliner!

I’ve gotten to a stage now where I’m confident with my basic makeup routine. Moisturiser, eyeliner, mascara, foundation, lipliner, lipstick. And that’s it. Perhaps I’m ready for highlighting, contouring, and blush and bronzer. I guess it’s back to clown school for a little while ☺️

Life as Loretta has been good over the past 8 months. Everyone has been so accepting. And given that I can blend in, I’ve had no troubles whatsoever. Which is so much better than what I had been expecting. Am I just lucky? Or is the world just more accepting than I thought it would be?

Oh and how I’ve been enjoying being a girl! To be able to express my girl side and be accepted is so liberating. And oh my goodness, who knew I would take on the stereotypical model of the shopaholic girl. My excuse is that I have to build a wardrobe from scratch.

So I’ve bought a lot of clothes and shoes. My latest purchase was a pair of black ankle boots with a rounded toe and gold zip and a 8cm stacked heel. On sale and the cheapest boots in my size, but you know what? They’re the most comfortable of all my boots. Boots? Oh yes 4 pairs now. Knee high black boots with a 8cm heel. Suede leopard print ankle boots with a stiletto heel. And a tan pair of ankle boots with a 3cm block heel.

To be honest I think I’ve reached a comfortable level in my wardrobe. There’s nothing left that I need to buy. Anything else now is really being indulgent. I have more shoes and boots than you can poke a stick at. OK so you probably could. I estimate 20 pair. Plenty of skirts, jeans, shorts, tops, and jackets. I’m lacking in dresses but I’ve found it very hard to find something to suit my shape and modesty needs, so I’m not too fussed.

The meeting was only half the size of last month. But it was still good, actually better than last month because the 2 strong transexual girls weren’t there, telling us how we’re supposed to be. Sadly R wasn’t there either but O and M came. And we met a new girl S. The sad news though is that the facilitator AM is moving away so next month is her last meeting. I like her, she’s so open minded and not judgey.

O & M come across as such strong people but fragile in their own way. They’re very much the opposite to me. Not afraid of confrontation and actually being empowered by the confrontation and not conforming to what people expect. They have chosen a tough road and I hope it’s rewarding for them and that the road doesn’t break them. You know my mantra by now….blend in!…blend in! And for me it works. No confrontation. No hassle. I just get to be the girl I am.

O made a big decision over the past month and now has a direction which is fantastic. Along with some really cool paint encrusted jeans. They’ve got white roller rings but they look so good they could be designer!

S actually introduced herself to me as P to begin with. But there’s a girl in there that’s scared to come out. Hopefully she can find a comfortable zone where she can express herself. She’s also interested in seeing what my girls at the Friday night social  have to offer. Perhaps I can take her along one night so she can see what it’s all about. Maybe it will be a safe zone for her to express herself. Apart from providing a safe zone for her I don’t think it will have too much more to offer her, but I have been known to be wrong.

S also commented that my life sounded confusing. And she’s right. I think everyone else thinks the same thing. But you know what? That’s just me. I’m a big question mark. But for the moment, this works. I get to express my girl side. And I still have my boy side. For me it’s not confusing…but it is a lot of work and it’s time consuming and requires a lot of organisation. But I get to be mes ☺️

It’s interesting to see that we come in both modes at this meeting. Some as birth gender and some as transgender. I guess that’s par for the course seeing as we’re gender queer. And we seem to be diverse in sexual orientation too. Bi, heterosexual, lesbian.

Having M there is awesome because without him we’re very much male to female. His viewpoint is a lovely counterpoint to what the rest of us are experiencing and really keeps our minds open about how diverse we are. I really missed having R there. He is so unique I wanted to know more about his story. Oh well maybe next month. Oh and I must not forget to do my homework. Yes we have homework this month!

I’m so looking forward to the meeting next month. These meetings are really so much better for me than the Friday night social. Here we get to explore and discuss our genders. Whereas the meeting with my girls is really about the clothes. And I’m so not into clothes…..well I am but I don’t need the social to provide a place for me and my clothes. That’s what work is for! ☺️

Photo by Alex Jones

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