Am I a girl? 

I spend a lot of my time thinking about girl things and being a girl. So does that mean I am a girl? And only a girl? Am I a transgender girl and not gender queer? I know I say I’m part boy but to be honest I don’t spend any time working on my masculinity. But I do spend a lot of time working on my feminity. 

If I have spare time I’ll be looking at girls clothes or shoes or wigs. Or I’ll be writing this blog. Or I’ll be exploring the music that Loretta loves. Or I’ll be thinking about what outfit I’m going to wear to work tomorrow. Or thinking about makeup. Or thinking about my transgender meeting. Or dreaming about wedding dresses….sigh!

Do I think about boy things when I have spare time anymore? Hmm? Bike things, technology things, boy clothes…but only about five percent of the time I spend on girls clothes, probably less. Cooking, holidays, our next outing (today it’s minecraft at the opera house!) But a lot of these things aren’t boy specific. So I guess the answer is that I don’t spend much time thinking about boy things when I have spare time. 

But does that make me a girl? I don’t think it does. I think it’s because most of my life I’ve been a boy. So it comes naturally to me. I don’t need to work on it. But my girl side? She’s in me and she’s half of me, but she doesn’t come to me as naturally as the boy side does. So it takes a lot of work to catch up to where a girl my age should be at. And I guess that’s why I spend 90% of my spare time on the girl side. 

I love my boy side. Particularly being a husband and a father. I mean really aside from that, what is it that my girl side can’t do? Certainly I’m more comfortable being a girl if I make an effort to look good. I wouldn’t be comfortable being a girl if I only made the same effort as I do to be a boy. Being a boy I get away with looking scruffy or daggy. But that’s not Loretta. Ut-uh! No way. She’s not immaculate but always well presented. And she always makes sure that she has shape.

I mean my boy side can be ready to go in the morning in 15 minutes. But my girl side, well on Friday I was ready in 45 minutes. But that was winter clothes and doing makeup in low light. Not that I’m complaining. I love transforming myself into Loretta. I know it takes time but it’s so worthwhile. So I guess my girl side can’t be a slob. I like to look nice! 

Tonight my boy side got to go to minecraft at the opera house. Now I’m not sure how my girl side would have gone with that. Going to these things I end up being a bit of a packhorse. Not that Loretta is too precious to go. But it’s certainly easier for boy me to go. 

But is that just a cop out? I actually could go as Loretta. Sure it would be a little strange family wise. But it could be done. I think that’s the key though. Being a husband and a father is very important to me. And that’s something that Loretta can’t do. So no I don’t think that I’m only a transgender girl. I’m pretty sure I’m both boy and girl. 

Photo by Elena Ferrer

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