Homework? 

So at my last GQ meeting we got homework! It was an article to read about the Detransitioners. These people identified as transgender and transitioned. And then after a period of time they realised that they weren’t transgender and transitioned back again. 

Oh my! I can barely imagine what they went through. To go through all of the transition and get to the other side and find that it actually wasn’t your true identity and then transition back? Oh those poor people. What a journey that is! 

AM wanted us to read this so we could discuss at the next meeting (this coming week ☺️). I don’t see that it really applies to me really as I’m never going to transition. Being bigender going to “the other side” means I still have another gender identity to express. Just like I do now. 

But am I really transgender? Am I bigender as I think I am? Or am I caught up in a swirl of a perfect storm which has lead me to believe this? Well that’s a huge part of why I blog. To try and think about it and come up with some answers.  

Have I read so much about being transgender that I believe that I am? Have I brainwashed myself? To be honest I don’t really know for sure. But here’s what I do know. 

I love to dress in girls’ clothes. 

I get anxious when I don’t get to express my feminine side for a period of time. 

I have no desire nor do I need to physically transition.

I love and need my masculine side. 

I am not gender dysphoric. 

I think mentally, however, I have already transitioned to being bigender. Loretta is now half of my life, where before she was probably less than 10% of my life, and struggling to cope with having to hide. Being out and about as Loretta has been such a joy. To be able to express my feminine side so freely is something I never ever dreamed of. 

Do I need more than this undreamed dream? Do I need to physically transition? I must say that as Loretta I’d really like my own breasts. But really that’s so I could wear more clothes. Dresses in particular. Something with spaghetti straps or even strapless? Something that can show off a bit of cleavage? I certainly can’t do that with any degree of confidence right now. And if you’ve been reading my posts you’ll know that passing is quite important to me. 

Downstairs I can get away without any changes and to be totally honest, I don’t want to make any changes down there. I like being a boy….a lot! But would I want to get my own breasts? For real? I think that would only make sense to do that if I was a transgender girl, rather than being bigender. And given that I like being a boy as well as a girl I don’t think I qualify as a transgender girl. So I guess real breasts are out of the question then….sigh! 

I’m not someone who is going to physically transition. I’m not even someone that would take drugs to make myself more feminine. But I do go as far as laser hair removal and eyebrow waxing…does that count as physically transitioning? I guess not. 

I am who I am. I think I’m bigender. I may be wrong. Perhaps I’m just a boy who likes to wear girls’ clothes. But either way I won’t risk changing my body. That’s just not me. 

So the Detransitioners? Wow! The journey for them turned out to be twice as long as they were expecting. And the destination ended up being nowhere near where they were expecting and it sounds like the destination was quite close to home. 

In the end its always the journey which is the important part. The destination may not be what you were expecting, and sometimes the destination changes along the way, but there’s always the journey. And I’m certainly enjoying my journey. 

Photo by Aaron Burden

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