Are there two of me? 

So I caught up with one of my old friends at lunch the other day. And she asked if I felt like I was two people? I don’t think so, but my life is so divided into boy side and girl side maybe I am two people?

Work time is girl time, home time is boy time. That’s the way my life is structured right now. And it makes for a fairly clean split. People don’t get confused that way. But while it fulfills my need to express my girl side. It also doesn’t, because I don’t always get to express the side I want to express when I want to. 

To be honest I don’t feel the need to express boy me at work. But I do feel the need to express girl me outside of work. Ding ding ding ding ding! Ut-oh! Alarm bells. Am I really a transgender girl and not bigender???

Would I like to be a girl all the time? Is the question that simple? There are other very important people involved here. My wife and my son. It’s very important for me to be a husband and a father. I need that. But what does that actually mean? To be a husband? To be a father?

I take being a husband very seriously. Those vows we took when we were married weren’t just words. They were my love, my promise, my dedication. And I meant every single one of those words. 

Can I be a girl and still be a husband? I don’t think so. My wife married a boy. She’s not interested in girls, even if it’s me. Not for a second am I suggesting that this is my wife’s fault. Discovering that I’m transgender has been difficult but wonderful. For my wife however, it’s just been difficult. She has no control over the situation whereas I do. Do I still want to be her husband? Oh my God yes!!! I don’t have to think about that for a micro-second.

Being a father is important to me too. But what is it that makes me a father rather than a parent? I think it might come down to gender roles. The more boisterous things we do. Well I’m not exactly he-man so I don’t really have the strength to toss him around. But we do have more physical games which I think is important.

Did I tell you about the time I asked him what was on his face? And then I said “cuteness!” oh he chased me round and round the house. Then daddy decided to take a shortcut by jumping over the lounge…..and didn’t jump far enough…and broke the lounge!

So that kind of physical. Sure I could still do that as a girl. I might not have attempted to jump over the lounge though….. I would have been smarter than that if I was a girl. I’m sure that my son will remember the lounge incident for a long long time. Even though it was an expensive accident, I wouldn’t do it any differently if I could go back. 

It’s not like my son doesn’t know about my girl side. He’s seen me get ready to go out. He’s seen me come home. And he’s seen all of my clothes. And we’ve talked about it, and how daddy is different to most other boys. And he seems alright with it. I’ve asked him to ask whatever he likes about this. But he hasn’t. I worry that he has no one to talk about it with though. And that must be hard. 

I let my brother-in-law on my wife’s side know about me recently. And my sister-in-law has known for a little while now. So I think I’ll let my niece know as well. She and my son really get on well so she might be the peer that he can talk with. Sigh! Here’s me being a parent again. But is that daddy me? Or girl me? In the end it’s always going to be daddy me isn’t it? ☺️

I just had a discussion with my counselor. And she floated the possibility that maybe I am a transgender girl who is a husband. Oh that shook up my head a bit. Here I am trying to pigeon hole myself as one of the “known” transgender types and she throws something else at me that is totally logical. It’s a definite possibility that’s for sure. And one that I’ll continue to investigate. Who knows if I will ever get a right answer?

To be honest do I really need a “right” answer? I guess not. I just need to be authentic. Just be the real me. Whoever that may be. All I know is that I love my wife and I love my son and I need to make sure that they’re both OK.

Am I two people? No it’s just me. I just have a different look sometimes. 

Photo by Michal Pechado

Advertisements

Getting the right wig

I’m on the bus this morning headed towards the city. But I’m only passing through on my way to Chiquel. I’ve had my wigs now for eight months or so and I thought I would get Tanè to have a look at them to see how they are going. And to buy my next wig. I really want to make sure I get the right wig, because if I don’t I can really look like a clown.
At the moment Raquel Welch is the front runner. A wig called “Star Quality”. This is one of the cheapest that come with a lace front and a monofilament part.

The lace front let’s you sweep the hair away from your face and still look natural. For me the objective is not so much to sweep the hair away from the face, but rather to find another way to cope with windy days.

The monofilament part makes it look like the hair is growing out of your scalp along your part. It’s not too big of a thing because I do like my current “Angelique” wig, which doesn’t have this. But it’s another step in looking authentic and natural. So that’s me worrying about passing again ☺️

I’ve been wearing my “Misha” wig a lot these past couple of weeks. I had barely worn it before this because it’s a heavier looking wig than “Angelique”. But I thought I should wear it to get a feel for the difference. It’s longer, which I quite like. But it does seem to be a little more difficult to untangle. I’m still not sure about the long fringe either and it certainly does look heavier. But because of the length I can use a hair clip and not look frazzled, unlike “Angelique” where I look very messy. I just can’t do it the way Tanè can do it so I need something simpler. The bottom line with “Misha” is that I feel like I don’t blend in as well as I do with “Angelique”.

Hmm out for breakfast at the moment and just got mis-gendered. Never a nice feeling. Oh well, it’s just a once off stop so I won’t be coming back. At least it’s nice and sunny and warm in here. And the poached eggs are nice and runny, although too much vinegar in the poaching liquid again! And there’s some really good butter for the sourdough. Maybe it’s worth coming back to? Coffee’s pretty good ☺️

Hoo boy! Good wigs aren’t cheap! The one I had my eye on was way too thin. So I’ve had to go upmarket to the tune of an extra. $100! As a once off I think it will be ok. This one is a monofilament, lace front wig. So it ticks all the boxes that I wanted. And it makes me look adorable too ☺️ Well I think so and that’s what counts.

My “Angelique’s” are showing a bit of wear. And one of them is just about at end of life 🙁 The other one still has a bit of time left in it but probably only a few months. Misha is still in good shape, not surprisingly, and she got a trim so that she doesn’t look so heavy. I think the result is good.

My new wig, “Spotlight”, I think, is a medium long wig and it has a bit of a wave to it. And this gives it that adorable quality to it. And it makes me look softer. Sadly it doesn’t come in a soft black. So it looks like I’ll be rocking a dark dark brown do. It’s also able to withstand heat so it’s more “fixable” than my other wigs. Hopefully I’ve made the right choice but I guess time will tell.

So now the expensive time is over, it’s time for bargains. I’m going back to paddy’s market to see if I can find my white scarf with red polka dots. Odds are very low, but a girl’s got to look right?

Photo by Levi Saunders

Am I a girl? Or do I do girl?

I know I want to say, “Yes. I’m a girl.” but is that true? Or do I just “do girl”? And I know it’s more complex than that because I think I’m bigender. But is my girl side real? Or is it an act? Something to slip on and off as I feel like? Do I just like the thrill of being a girl? Is it just the clothes? Can I be a girl if I dress down?

If I take away all the things I “need” to be a girl, can I still be a girl? So like take away the makeup, the wig, the breasts, the clothes, the shoes. Take away all of those “props” and what do I have left? Would I still have the courage to be a girl? My initial response is no… I like to blend in, and without the ‘props’ it’s not really possible.

Having said that when I get ready to ride to work in the morning. And I look in the mirror, I can see my girl side there without any ‘help’. But then I know what I’m looking for. And at work before I change to girl clothes, and after work, after I’ve changed from girl clothes, I still interact with everyone at work as a girl. So maybe it is possible to be a girl without all the ‘props’.

Then there’s the whole telephone thing. I get ‘Missed’ a lot on the phone. And sometimes even when I’m trying to be boy. So there’s girl right there, no ‘props’.

Ok so maybe I can be a girl without the ‘props’. But am I a girl? Or do I do girl? The telephone thing is a bit of an indication that I am a girl. And when I’m at work I don’t consciously think about how to move or act. I’m just being who I am.

I do think a lot about my clothes. I try to mix up my shapes as much as I can now. For a while there I’d get stuck in a shape. In the beginning it was always pants and jeans. Then it was always a fitted top and a flared skirt. Now I try to have a different shape every day. Dress one day, then jeans and stripy top, fitted top and flared skirt, pencil skirt and a peplum jacket…… I have options, and more confidence with my clothes. And I think it’s an indication of me being a girl. Those early days clothing ruts, were me doing girl. I just didn’t have the confidence.

So maybe that’s the key. It’s confidence. I am a girl because I have the confidence to be one. And I do. And I am.

Photo by Gyorgy Bakos

Dear, old friends

We all have old friends. And often we wonder how they will react to our “changes”. Not that they’re really changes, it’s more like our being authentic, and true to ourselves. Anyway this post is dedicated to my dear, old friend, who I haven’t seen for six years, as he lives clear across the other side of the country. 

So it turns out that he’s heading to Sydney towards the end of the year and was checking up on me on my work website. Problem is that the me he knows, doesn’t exist on the work website. So instead he found Loretta. His thoughts were, “Hey I didn’t know ‘boyname’ had a sister that age. Wait a minute ‘boyname’ is the sister!”. 

He made some discrete enquiries with a mutual friend, who incidentally I’m having lunch with today, and she set him straight. And then he started texting me

… you will always be a good friend to me no matter what. I just want you to know that!

Unconditional support, just like that, out of the blue. Oh my! That was just so wonderful, I could scarcely believe it. But of course it was believable, because my friend has always been amazing!

So thank you so much F! I treasure our friendship, and you reaching out to me like that and supporting me, absolutely touched my heart!

Of course it’s from friends! 

Friday night debut 

Well getting together with S, for the Friday night social was a success! I managed to make it to the meeting spot with enough time go to the ladies to do a make up check. And sure enough when I made it back out, there was S waiting for me, in her new green blouse and pencil skirt. And she looked fabulous, the blouse really brought out her eyes. And best of all, she looked very happy and pleased with herself. 

And of course she was happy. First time out dressed, and there we were out at a nice pub enjoying a quiet drink on a Friday night, just two girls catching up. 

But the speed that this girl has moved at is amazing. From having no clothes to wear, to buying clothes, to then not only wear them, but also go out in them in less than a week? It took me decades to get there. And she did it in less than a week….simply unbelievable. S, you’re amazing! 

But we couldn’t hang around at the pub, we had to fit in dinner and some public transport and so it was go go go! Dinner was up the street at an Indian restaurant. Not my favourite cuisine but this one was quite good. Good enough so that I have added it to the list of Indian restaurants that I’m comfortable eating at. (Most of the time I find the spices don’t do my tummy any favours, but this one was alright.) 

We finished in time to scoot across the road to the bus. And then had just enough time to squeeze in a gelato between the first and second busses. In the end there was only just enough time as I had to run to the stop to stop the bus! But we made it, and we got to the Friday night social on time ☺️. 

As per usual, the social started out pretty slow. Have I mentioned that it’s like the country womens association, just no scones or cakes? However we did happen to snag some seats next to J and R. Thus was quite good fortune because these two girls are the last of the originals girls who started the group way back when. And as such they have a wealth of information to share with both me and S. 

There’s so much that I don’t know. And I know that there’s things that I can’t help S with. But with this group, S now has more people who can help. It was a very laid back evening, even by Friday night social standards. But that’s because they had the ball the weekend before. 

Oh don’t get me started on the ball. We have to stop running the ball because it’s losing us money every year. That time is past and we need to move on. We’re not here to compete with the formal. While we might have been first, now that someone else is doing it, we don’t have to do it and we should focus on other things. And not lose money!

I introduced S to some of the other girls there and she seemed so in her element and having a great time. It was wonderful to see. And then I found R. I hadn’t seen her since my first meeting, and I had wondered what had happened to her. It was great to catch up with her because we really hit it off at that first meeting. Anyway life had got in the way a little and then she went traveling in the outback. She was looking great. 

And then she I introduced her to S. And they hit it off too. You see R, like S and me, is a little further along the transgender spectrum. Most of the girls at the social are just interested in the clothes, but there’s a few of us that go a bit further along. And in fact the president would be right at the other end of the spectrum to most of the girls. 

It was a great evening, S got to meet some more girls and spent the night looking beautiful, as she was finally able to be the girl she is. It was all that I expected and more. It was a wonderful night!

Photo by Rachael Crowe