Am I a girl? Or do I do girl?

I know I want to say, “Yes. I’m a girl.” but is that true? Or do I just “do girl”? And I know it’s more complex than that because I think I’m bigender. But is my girl side real? Or is it an act? Something to slip on and off as I feel like? Do I just like the thrill of being a girl? Is it just the clothes? Can I be a girl if I dress down?

If I take away all the things I “need” to be a girl, can I still be a girl? So like take away the makeup, the wig, the breasts, the clothes, the shoes. Take away all of those “props” and what do I have left? Would I still have the courage to be a girl? My initial response is no… I like to blend in, and without the ‘props’ it’s not really possible.

Having said that when I get ready to ride to work in the morning. And I look in the mirror, I can see my girl side there without any ‘help’. But then I know what I’m looking for. And at work before I change to girl clothes, and after work, after I’ve changed from girl clothes, I still interact with everyone at work as a girl. So maybe it is possible to be a girl without all the ‘props’.

Then there’s the whole telephone thing. I get ‘Missed’ a lot on the phone. And sometimes even when I’m trying to be boy. So there’s girl right there, no ‘props’.

Ok so maybe I can be a girl without the ‘props’. But am I a girl? Or do I do girl? The telephone thing is a bit of an indication that I am a girl. And when I’m at work I don’t consciously think about how to move or act. I’m just being who I am.

I do think a lot about my clothes. I try to mix up my shapes as much as I can now. For a while there I’d get stuck in a shape. In the beginning it was always pants and jeans. Then it was always a fitted top and a flared skirt. Now I try to have a different shape every day. Dress one day, then jeans and stripy top, fitted top and flared skirt, pencil skirt and a peplum jacket…… I have options, and more confidence with my clothes. And I think it’s an indication of me being a girl. Those early days clothing ruts, were me doing girl. I just didn’t have the confidence.

So maybe that’s the key. It’s confidence. I am a girl because I have the confidence to be one. And I do. And I am.

Photo by Gyorgy Bakos

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