Are there two of me? 

So I caught up with one of my old friends at lunch the other day. And she asked if I felt like I was two people? I don’t think so, but my life is so divided into boy side and girl side maybe I am two people?

Work time is girl time, home time is boy time. That’s the way my life is structured right now. And it makes for a fairly clean split. People don’t get confused that way. But while it fulfills my need to express my girl side. It also doesn’t, because I don’t always get to express the side I want to express when I want to. 

To be honest I don’t feel the need to express boy me at work. But I do feel the need to express girl me outside of work. Ding ding ding ding ding! Ut-oh! Alarm bells. Am I really a transgender girl and not bigender???

Would I like to be a girl all the time? Is the question that simple? There are other very important people involved here. My wife and my son. It’s very important for me to be a husband and a father. I need that. But what does that actually mean? To be a husband? To be a father?

I take being a husband very seriously. Those vows we took when we were married weren’t just words. They were my love, my promise, my dedication. And I meant every single one of those words. 

Can I be a girl and still be a husband? I don’t think so. My wife married a boy. She’s not interested in girls, even if it’s me. Not for a second am I suggesting that this is my wife’s fault. Discovering that I’m transgender has been difficult but wonderful. For my wife however, it’s just been difficult. She has no control over the situation whereas I do. Do I still want to be her husband? Oh my God yes!!! I don’t have to think about that for a micro-second.

Being a father is important to me too. But what is it that makes me a father rather than a parent? I think it might come down to gender roles. The more boisterous things we do. Well I’m not exactly he-man so I don’t really have the strength to toss him around. But we do have more physical games which I think is important.

Did I tell you about the time I asked him what was on his face? And then I said “cuteness!” oh he chased me round and round the house. Then daddy decided to take a shortcut by jumping over the lounge…..and didn’t jump far enough…and broke the lounge!

So that kind of physical. Sure I could still do that as a girl. I might not have attempted to jump over the lounge though….. I would have been smarter than that if I was a girl. I’m sure that my son will remember the lounge incident for a long long time. Even though it was an expensive accident, I wouldn’t do it any differently if I could go back. 

It’s not like my son doesn’t know about my girl side. He’s seen me get ready to go out. He’s seen me come home. And he’s seen all of my clothes. And we’ve talked about it, and how daddy is different to most other boys. And he seems alright with it. I’ve asked him to ask whatever he likes about this. But he hasn’t. I worry that he has no one to talk about it with though. And that must be hard. 

I let my brother-in-law on my wife’s side know about me recently. And my sister-in-law has known for a little while now. So I think I’ll let my niece know as well. She and my son really get on well so she might be the peer that he can talk with. Sigh! Here’s me being a parent again. But is that daddy me? Or girl me? In the end it’s always going to be daddy me isn’t it? ☺️

I just had a discussion with my counselor. And she floated the possibility that maybe I am a transgender girl who is a husband. Oh that shook up my head a bit. Here I am trying to pigeon hole myself as one of the “known” transgender types and she throws something else at me that is totally logical. It’s a definite possibility that’s for sure. And one that I’ll continue to investigate. Who knows if I will ever get a right answer?

To be honest do I really need a “right” answer? I guess not. I just need to be authentic. Just be the real me. Whoever that may be. All I know is that I love my wife and I love my son and I need to make sure that they’re both OK.

Am I two people? No it’s just me. I just have a different look sometimes. 

Photo by Michal Pechado

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