So if I’m a girl……. 

So if I’m a girl, what about all this boyness that I have? Is it all just a front that I’ve built up over my life? Is it my tomboy side?
I’m not sure. But I do know that I hide a lot of the time. Ha! Here I am hiding myself as a girl at work after being there for most of my 10 years as a boy. But even now as a girl at work I’m now hiding the boy side! There is no sign of boy at work. So is this the true me?

I had another dip into gender dysphoria yesterday. Yes it was late Friday afternoon and I didn’t want to de-girl. So Loretta rode home from work. This is starting to become a little too regular. So what does it mean? Am I really a girl?

Right now I’m at the night noodle market, in boy mode. And I’m surrounded by girls. I look at them and wonder, “Am I like them?” I certainly don’t have their background, their natural femininity. Oh I can express plenty of femininity if I try. 

But honestly I feel that I’m different to most girls. And it’s much like I feel I’m different from most boys. So maybe I am in the middle….maybe I am bigender.

It’s funny. There’s so many people here, but I don’t really see the boys. It’s like they’re not girls, so my vision just passes them by. And they become part of the background. But the girls I notice. Not like a boy notices girls though.

It’s more like, “oh I like that trench coat”, “how does she wear those heels on the grass?”, “I love that skirt”, “could I carry that cute bag”, “ooh that jacket is tight, I don’t think I could get away with that”, “sigh I wish I could wear that spaghetti strap dress”. Definitely girl thoughts. 

But do girl thoughts make me a girl? Particularly when the girl thoughts seem to be mostly about clothes, or how I look? Maybe. I think it’s the tip of the iceberg and there is a whole lot more going on underneath that I need to think about.

Photo by Vladimir Tsokalo 

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One thought on “So if I’m a girl……. 

  1. Hi Loretta,
    It’s Rob, I love your blogs …as what you express is real for me too.
    The girl and boy parts both wanting to coexist within us and needing express themselves.
    Dressing up is such a treat, so let yourself look as you feel, we must be brave.
    But being yourself is really really hard at times I find, trying to fit in and not upset
    others.
    Good luck!!!
    Take care & happy cycling.

    Like

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