So if I’m a girl…….

So if I’m a girl, what about all this boyness that I have? Is it all just a front that I’ve built up over my life? Is it my tomboy side?
I’m not sure. But I do know that I hide a lot of the time. Ha! Here I am hiding myself as a girl at work after being there for most of my 10 years as a boy. But even now as a girl at work I’m now hiding the boy side! There is no sign of boy at work. So is this the true me?

I had another dip into gender dysphoria yesterday. Yes it was late Friday afternoon and I didn’t want to de-girl. So Loretta rode home from work. This is starting to become a little too regular. So what does it mean? Am I really a girl?

Right now I’m at the night noodle market, in boy mode. And I’m surrounded by girls. I look at them and wonder, “Am I like them?” I certainly don’t have their background, their natural femininity. Oh I can express plenty of femininity if I try. 

But honestly I feel that I’m different to most girls. And it’s much like I feel I’m different from most boys. So maybe I am in the middle….maybe I am bigender.

It’s funny. There’s so many people here, but I don’t really see the boys. It’s like they’re not girls, so my vision just passes them by. And they become part of the background. But the girls I notice. Not like a boy notices girls though.

It’s more like, “oh I like that trench coat”, “how does she wear those heels on the grass?”, “I love that skirt”, “could I carry that cute bag”, “ooh that jacket is tight, I don’t think I could get away with that”, “sigh I wish I could wear that spaghetti strap dress”. Definitely girl thoughts. 

But do girl thoughts make me a girl? Particularly when the girl thoughts seem to be mostly about clothes, or how I look? Maybe. I think it’s the tip of the iceberg and there is a whole lot more going on underneath that I need to think about.

Photo by Vladimir Tsokalo