Well actually not only is it counselling day, it’s also GQ meeting day! Hooray! I think the last one was in June, and I’ve missed these meetings. However the missing meetings did give me the chance to get to know S better, so I guess every cloud has a silver lining.
Today I’ve tried to stack a few things in between the two meetings. Optometrist, lunch with old work friends and a new bike light. But it’s a pretty wet day and traffic is already jammed up. I should make counselling on time though as my plan was to be an hour early so I could get a coffee and have a think.
So life in general has been pretty busy this past month. Seriously not enough time to do everything. Major event at work (10,000 people on bikes) followed by audit followed by AGM. Throw in my family and my elderly mum and it’s very busy. Now throw in my double identity and it’s barely under control.
But that’s OK, I am who I am. Even if I haven’t fully defined that yet. And maybe I never will. But right now I’m on the bus. And I’m checking out all the girls. Their hair, their clothes, their look. And I’m still envious. Even though I’m dressed similarly. Long hair, cute dress, ankle boots. So why am I envious? I think it’s because they’re girls.
Counselling is over for the day. I really like coming to speak with Candy. I never know what to expect, or where the conversation will go. But it always gives me some sense of direction at the end of it. So where am I? I think I’m coming to the conclusion that I am a girl at heart.
Candy mentioned that the first time she saw me, she wasn’t sure of my gender until I told her. I guess if a gender counsellor can’t tell, then I must be in the middle somewhere. I know that there’s still boy in me. That’s probably my lazy side. But I can’t deny it, I love being a girl.
So what do I do? I think I just need to accept that I’m a girl at heart. And then I need to make sure I do everything I can to keep my family safe, happy and together because they’re the most important part of my life.