Icebreaker? 

It’s funny, well really it’s not. I’ve been lucky enough to go to a couple of transgender meetings this month. Both the queer agenda, and the women’s group meeting. Somehow after introductions the conversation turns to THE big issue in our transgender lives……toilets 🙂

For lucky me, toilets are a non-issue. I pass reasonably well so I just go to the toilet for the gender I’m dressed as. That’s not to say that I’m not a little extra careful in the girls’ toilets. But for others it is a problem because they don’t pass as well. And they certainly have had issues, and will continue to have issues. And it’s crazy that this happens because they just need to go for a wee. Well sometimes a number 2. And maybe to fix their makeup…just like anyone else. 

At both of these meetings this month, this  seemed to be the ice breaker topic. The one where everyone had a point of view and that we could “bond” over. Once we got past this then we could talk about some of the deeper things in our lives. Sadly for me I’ve got nothing to add to these discussions. So I just wait until we get past it.

And when we did get past the toilets, it was great. For a lot of us, we want to know what is next? What should we be doing? And for each one of it will be different. Some of us are thinking hormones and surgery. Whilst I’m the opposite, definitely no surgery nor hormones. And then there’s those of us who are lost in the middle and unsure of what to do next. 

And that’s what I love to help with. I’m no guru. My experiences are way different to anyone elses. But hopefully I can open eyes to what is possible, and maybe provide some suggestions to help them to explore further. I’m sure that their journey will have a different destination than mine. But I do hope that I can help them continue on their way. 

For me, these group sessions are to help each other. I listen for things that might help me. So I’m very quiet most of the time. And if we’re talking toilets, I’ve got nothing to say. But if there’s something I can help with, I definitely share my experiences. 

The nice thing about the queer agenda meeting this month was that there were 10 people there! I’d gotten used to just a handful of people so it was good to see so many people there. And most of them were young…….mid twenties. And it was a real mixture this time round. It was so good. 

I’m not sure that K is best facilitator but it was a good night nevertheless. It looks like we’ll be staying with 2 hour sessions at 5.30 on a Friday. So that works out really well for me. 

The women’s group seemed to be the senior women’s group. I was the youngest one there. I’m guessing they’re struggling to attract women my age to this session. And I’m going to bet that it’s because we’re all working at 1.30pm! 

Given the timing of the session I would just about write this off as a once only experience. However the facilitator is trying to get a voice coach in for one of the sessions, and I’d really like to go to that one. So I might try to get to some more of these to see what else is on offer. 

Sadly I’m way too old for the young women’s group (up to 30) so I guess that’s it for groups I can attend. Things can be a bit hit and miss at these meetings, but it’s certainly good to be able to make contact with those with similar issues. I thoroughly recommend it…..provided you can put up with the toilet stories…….

Photo by Julien Delaunay 

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I have so many clothes! 

Oh my! I seem to have built up quite a wardrobe full of clothes over the past year and a half. My poor wardrobe is much too full. It’s got lots of nice new girl clothes. Well a shelf full….and I do mean full! But there’s also my boy clothes and my bike riding clothes. So it’s very full.

I haven’t bought any clothes for a while now. Well excluding pantyhose that is. Oh and excluding that free guess t-shirt. The thing is, I’ve been consciously wearing different clothes every day for two weeks now. And I’ve realised that I could do this for a while longer still. 

So I’ve decided that I’m going to wear a different outfit every working day of November. And I mean not wearing the same piece of clothing twice. This doesn’t include undies…. I might have enough knickers but I certainly don’t have enough bras or pantyhose. Hmmm I might go close to making it in shoes but I’ve already worn a couple of pairs at least twice. 

So I know it’s do-able. A quick count says there’s 3 pairs of jeans, 4 short skirts, 3 midi skirts, and 2 dresses that I haven’t worn in the past two weeks. So if I can find some matching tops then that’s 12 more outfits. That gets me to the 28th….hmm looks like I might be wearing shorts for a couple of days. I can do this!

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OK so I’m 3 weeks in… So far 16 different outfits (well a girl has to go out sometimes right?) …. But 2 of those days were in October! However I’m going to challenge myself, so I’m not going to wear those two outfits in November….no matter how much I want to be Belle again!

Now it’s getting tricky. I’m getting down to pieces that I don’t like as much / haven’t worn much. But I have to if I’m going to wear something different every day. A check of my wardrobe shows that I can make another 10 days….but that means dipping into like a black pleated skirt I don’t like. And a black dress that I have never worn to work. It’s actually the oldest dress I have. But I’m worried it’s a little too short ….even if it does have a work look about it.

So  I’m confident of making it to the end of November…in fact to first December. Question is… Do I really push myself and go another week? That will bring in pants I haven’t worn, leggings, a dress that I put in the “I dont think so”  bag, along with a couple of pairs of shorts which might not really be work wear. I won’t go any further though…. I want to be nicely dressed for the AGM! TBC.

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So it’s on! I’m going to keep on going until 8th December. I actually did wear my old LBD. I didn’t realise that it’s so old that it’s a little bit see through….hmm not sure I’m going there again. And I’ve figured out the schedule. Two more weeks, each week will be short skirt, midi skirt, pants, shorts and a dress. I even have a backup dress that I pulled out of the I don’t know pile 🙂

Some of these clothes have never been worn. Tried on yes, but never actually worn out of the house. It’s not that they’re too revealing or anything like that. It’s that I haven’t had the confidence to wear them. And then you know how it is. You just keep on wearing your favourites. 

And then there are the clothes that I’d really like to wear. But sadly I got the shape all wrong and still bought it. Like  my red long sleeve Henley with the gold sparkle. Oh I how I love the colour and the look. I’d wear it all the time if it weren’t for one thing….  It really shows that my boobs are fake 😦 And you know how much passing is important to me? When I wear that, I don’t pass. 

But I have new hope for pieces that I haven’t worn. That long sleeve black floral crop? I think it will work with either of my  blue or black high waist jeans. But it’s too warm for that combination! Even my red dress yesterday was a little too warm….and that’s cut as low as I can get away with and the hem is as high as I’m comfortable with! It must be because of the lining…..and because I always wear pantyhose. Well they make my legs look good! Sigh! Girl…I’m definitely a 👧! 

So the next couple of weeks will be interesting as I get to the bottom of the pile. This week I saw the retirement of my old LBD, I think. It’s too see through now! But it also found me wearing some really nice short shorts that I might just start including in the rotation. However I’m really struggling to include some of my crop t-shirts that I used to wear all the time.

Tomorrow it’s back on the bus and train  for me. My bike’s brakes are a little dodgy so it’s staying in the garage until I get some new brake pads. So that means that my clothes for the week need to be fit for public transport. I’d rather avoid any unwanted attention on the bus and train so I tend to dress more conservatively. But right now choices are limited! But that’s OK because I’m up for the challenge!

Photo by Shanna Camilleri 

Long days.

I’ve had some long days over the last month and a half. I’m really looking forward to the end of this week when hopefully things will have calmed down. There’s just been so much work to do. And then throw in the couple of odd occasions when my son was sick or not sleeping well and I haven’t been getting much rest. Yesterday just showed how exhausted I am. By 930am I was already tired and headachy and it didn’t get any better all day.
But really that’s just life right? So what’s happening in Loretta’s life? Any moving mountains? It’s hard to say that I have achieved or learned anything amazing in recent times… Work, eat, sleep repeat. OK so maybe I exaggerate. I did manage to go to counselling, and to the Gender Queer meeting. And I tried to go to the women’s group meeting….only to find out it was a late cancellation. So what did I learn? 

Well not all group facilitators are equal. K is lovely but she struggled to keep us on track the way AM did. And that’s probably because she’s new to this but I wonder how the next meeting will go. It won’t take long to find out though because the next meeting is Friday. 

It was however fantastic to catch up with S, and I got to meet E. E is such a wealth of information its amazing. After the meeting the 3 of us went to dinner as well which was really nice. S seems to be on fire with her life now which is fantastic to see. The change from where she was when I first met her, to the giant strides she’s taken to becoming who she is now is simply outstanding. I’m so, so happy for you girl! 

The women’s group meeting was such a disappointment. I cleared my afternoon especially to make it to the meeting. Only to find out when I got there that it was cancelled 😦 I did meet C though and she pleaded with me to come to the next meeting. We’ll see what we can do. Given how many hours I’ve been putting in at work, I think I might deserve the afternoon off. So I think I’m better than 50/50 chance. 
But again that’s nothing really. I don’t think that I have anything significant to say. Life is continuing on. I did get to out myself to the new membership manager. And the world didn’t end. It’s very much like my being transgender doesn’t matter….which is all I could ever want. So from a work point of view life as a transgender girl is pretty peachy keen 🙂 If only there wasn’t so much work! 

On the home front, things are good but not great. Things will never be the same between my wife and I. We still love each other and we’re still together. But it’s different and I’m scared to try and fix it. I guess in that regard I’m struggling to believe in myself.

And this is why I blog. I didn’t think I had anything big to say. And yet I do. This really is the biggest thing in my life. My relationship with my wife. And it’s kind of on hold. So thank you blog for getting me back on track.

Photo by Andalucía Andaluía