It’s summer! 

So it’s officially summer, and lucky me gets to go to counselling today. It’s another warm day so it looks like summer is heating up. Sky blue baby T, and my favourite white floral circle skirt. It’s been a long time since I’ve worn this skirt and I’ve missed her. But I have been getting to wear a lot more of my clothes 😀

I’m starting to get a little worried. I’m going on holiday for a month after Christmas. I do this every year. But this year it will come after a whole year of being a girl at work. You know me? Girl at work, boy at home? So I’m worried about how I will cope without my girl side for a month? 

I know I did it last year, but that was after only 7 weeks of girl at work. This time it’s been pretty much a whole year. So I’m a little anxious to say the least. I’m really expecting withdrawal symptoms this time. And I really don’t think I will make it through without having to find Loretta.

So what do I do? Girl at work, boy at home is very much the line I’ve drawn to make things easier at home and at work. The consistency helps everyone else, and to be honest I kind of like the routine. But it doesn’t do me any favours at holiday time. 

I suspect I will need girl time. Question is when? I don’t want to spend a lot of time with my wife and son as a girl. I think that might be too confronting. Oh I know they’ve seen me heaps all dressed up, coming and going. But that’s boy in a dress, that’s not actually me being a girl, 

It’s like I’m a crossdresser, boy underneath, girl clothes on top. They actually haven’t met girl me, they actually haven’t met Loretta. And I’m not sure that they’ll want to. In actual fact, in my family, only my mum has had a lot of interaction with Loretta. I don’t drop the girl when I visit as Loretta. 

My sisters have only met Loretta, at mum’s when we happened to be there at the same time, and at the hospital when dad wasn’t well. So to be honest I’m really a bit of a mystery girl to my whole family! How crazy is that? They know I exist but they don’t really know me. Do I want to go there? I don’t know. 

……………………………………………….. 

Did I mention that I look forward to counselling? Well I’ve just finished my session and had a revelation! I always thought that the free counselling I was getting was only to deal with my gender issues. But it actually turns out that the counselling is for those of us who are gender diverse. So this time we talked about a lot of different things. 

And now Candy has a much better picture of what I’m going through and how much stress I have. It was so good to get those things off my chest. Things I’d only thought about but never told anyone. And the only reason we got there was because I mentioned that my GP had referred me for counselling for stress with another counsellor but I never went because I couldn’t afford it. And then Candy said that I could talk with her about it. Oh God! I’m sure my blonde roots are showing!

It was a really good session for me. Normally I don’t need the full hour. But I’m sure I could have talked for another hour. So gender issues getting smaller but other life issues are weighing me down. But at least I have someone to help me through it 🙂

Photo by Todd DeSantis

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