Dysphoria 

You never know when dysphoria is going to strike. Today I woke up with dysphoria and and struggled through the day. You would have thought that I had plenty of girl time already this week……but for some reason the moment I woke up on Saturday I was missing being a girl.

So what are the symptoms? I get anxious, a little shaky inside, and a little depressed. I know that if I let the girl in me out I’ll be alright. But sometimes life gets in the way. Today we’re picking up mum and going to the cemetery to visit my dad’s grave. Not that I haven’t been there before but it means there’s no time for girl time.

I slip on a pair of studs in my earlobes. The pair that my mum-in-law gave me along with my dad’s ring. Sadly they don’t do anything to alleviate my dysphoria. But it’s time to go so off we go.

Visiting dad’s grave is good. The plaque we had done looks great and the grass on the grave is looking better each time I see it. It’s only a quick visit and mum leaves dad a small pot with things from her garden. Agapanthus, bamboo, cactus, midnight queen. Despite the distraction I’m still anxious and shaky.

We head off to the shopping centre for lunch. And of course it’s jam packed. Finding parking is a nightmare. Especially as I watch the fuel guage drop from 3 to 2 to 1 bar. Dumb heavy car!

Now for me, the worst place to be when I have dysphoria is the shopping centre. Why? If I have dysphoria it means I’m not actually being a girl at that time. So shopping centre’s must be 60% aimed at females. We love to shop right? So all the displays of pretty summer dresses, and cute tops and short shorts. Ugh! It’s overwhelming.

I look at them and want to cry. Even if I was being girl today I couldn’t wear some of these pretty pieces. Off the shoulder tops? Not a chance. Spaghetti straps Ut-uh! And then worst of all there’s girls everywhere, and I’m envious of them all!

For the first time I feel pangs on envy when I see this pregnant lady. I don’t think it’s the pregnancy that I envy though. But can you express being female any more than when you’re pregnant? I hug myself, wishing that I could hug my breasts as well. I hurt inside.

I text S to tell her that I’m struggling. And she texts back that she’s struggling too. She was with her mum, and in boy-mode too. Maybe the stars are poorly aligned today?

Lunch and shopping over we drop mum home and head home ourselves. I’m still shaky and anxious. I have to go dig in the garage for some books and games for my son. While I’m there I slip on my ankle boots and I feel a bit better while I dig. But of course when I slip them off the dysphoria comes rushing back.

Time to spend some quality time with my son, so we hit the Mario galaxy for a while. Neither of us know what to do so it’s a steep learning curve but a lot of fun. But my dysphoria doesn’t disappear, it still lingers.

Afterwards I head for the showers. And I look at my body. I don’t hate my body. I like my boy bits. But I still have dysphoria. I’d love to have my own breasts. But could I deal with that if I had breasts permanently? All hypothetical of course. Hormones are not in my plan.

I get dressed, I’m no longer wearing earrings and ring, not that they helped at all. And I decide to wear one of my necklaces. The silver one that I got from brasnthings. The pendant drops lower than all of my other necklaces. And it’s definitely a girl necklace.

I slip it on, and…..it helps! I’m no longer anxious and shaky. I don’t feel 100% but I’m feeling so much better with my necklace on. But why? Admittedly I wear those earrings and the ring in boy mode sometimes so maybe they weren’t girl enough.

And I don’t really wear necklaces except for when I’m a girl. And I could feel it’s presence around my neck giving me girly vibes. So this time it helped, but will it help the next time or will I be desensitised now that I’ve worn my girl necklace in boy mode? I don’t know, but next time I have dysphoria I might give it a go first.

……………………………………………..

Sunday (the next day)

Today I have no dysphoria, it’s like any other day. I still have no idea why I was dysphoric yesterday. But at least I got through and found a solution for yesterday at least. Fingers crossed that it works next time too….but I have my doubts.

Photo by Léa Dubedout

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