The long break – Dysphoria watch – week three

I’m on my long break from work. And I’m worked up about it…. Girl at work, boy at home is my dividing line. How will I survive with minimal girl time? If the couple of weekends before Christmas are any indication, then the answer will be badly 😦 

I survived week two! And am becoming more comfortable and less dysphoric. Perhaps it’s all in my mind…..oh wait! 

Day 15
Oh boy what a day. Spent most of the day gardening on a hot day. We have hedges and wild irises lining our long driveway….. And it’s become difficult to navigate our way through with the car because they’ve grown too fat! So hack and slash was the order of the day. By the end of it all I was exhausted. Dysphoria? Not a chance, I just wanted to collapse into bed. 

Day 16

After such a hot and sweaty day yesterday I’m craving some Loretta time. I wouldn’t say that I’m dysphoric, just that some girl time would be a welcome change. I feel the need for some pampering. 

I’m still tired as I went deep into the red zone yesterday. My hands are sore and I have a couple of blisters. My forearms and lower back are also sore. Lounging around in a cute chemise is what I would like to do today but…gotta get up, get the washing on and breakfast started…sigh there’s no rest for us girls is there?

Day 17

Rest? What’s that? Somehow my son woke up at 4:30am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep…..and as a result kept us all awake. He’s more of an πŸ•— riser but for some strange reason we were all awake way ahead of schedule on a super duper hot day! 43 in the city! 47 out west! 

Dysphoria? No, but gee it would have been nice to wear a skirt and perhaps a camisole type of top. I’m not sure that I would have enjoyed wearing my wig though. And certainly my pink mules would have been a better choice than runners and socks. 

Day 18

Well here it is dysphoria is back! Today I’m missing all things girl, and I’m a bit depressed as a result. No anxiety though. Im not sure that putting on some pretty clothes is enough though. 

It might be, At this time of the day my family would need to interact with me dressed up. But is that enough? I still don’t really get to be Loretta. 

So it’s time for some music to help, “This is the part of me, that you’re never gonna ever take away from me!”, “If you see me holding up my middle finger to the world, F*** your ribbons and your pearls. Cos I’m not just a pretty girl.”. Well at least I feel a little bit better πŸ™‚

Day 19

I’m hanging in there……just. Now that I think about it, whenever I have downtime where I don’t need to think about other things, I’m thinking about my girl side.  Or things related to my girl side. It’s like I’m not free to be me, so I live my life in my head…..which is not a good thing to do. 

The holidays are a blessing and a curse. I desperately need the break from work because it’s stressful. But I haven’t been able to be all of me 😦 I have only just been able to unwind from work but find myself worked up about not having much girl time. 

It’s not so much dysphoria, although as you can see I have had some slides into dysphoria land. It’s more that I don’t get to be the authentic me. And I’m not saying that the authentic me is girl me. It’s just that I hold back the girl side when I’m feeling like her. 

And I think this holding back translates into my girl side spilling over to my boy side. So effeminate boy is the result. Not that I’ve ever been that macho. But the lines are blurring and I’m not sure that the androgynous route is the way I want to go. 

See, the androgynous route is a bit confrontational. And that’s not me. Blend in! Blend in! Fly under the radar. And the androgynous route doesn’t really allow me to fully express my girly side. 

What? My boy side? I know how to express him. That’s easy! I’ve done that all my life. I can do that in boy mode and androgynous mode. So really it’s the lack of space to express my girl side which is troubling me. 

Day 20

Its counselling day. ☺️ The good news is that Loretta is back! How I’ve missed her. So I’m here for half a day at least. Well we’ll see how it goes. The problem today is that I’ve no idea of where or how this counselling session will go. To be honest I’m sensing that there will be tears today.

…………………………………………………… 

And I was right, there were tears. Oh my! I knew that my head wasn’t in a good space. But I wasn’t expecting to drag up old memories like these. At least I could talk about them with Candy. It was a really difficult session. Hardest so far of all the sessions bar the one which my wife came to as well. And I certainly didn’t leave feeling all that great. 

After getting home I stayed in Loretta’s clothes but was daddy me. I thought that the clothes might help me feel better, but I think my dysphoria got worse. See I was dressed as Loretta, but I wasn’t being Loretta. That’s a whole different kettle of fish. By the end of the day I was feeling pretty numb, and was happy for the day to be over. 

I had this day in my diary as being the one where I could be Loretta and feel good about myself. However the reality was almost the opposite. It was a really hard day. 

Day 21

I moved onto the front foot, and have been more proactive in getting things done. Not much time for being a girl today. Although I have been wearing my pink mules a bit, and of course I’ve been working on hipsway and leading with my hips. 

So no dysphoria today. And I’m feeling much better about myself than yesterday. And I’ve been quite productive, and my wife and son have been there helping with the productivity. All in all a much better day today. 

And that’s it! End of week three. I’m still hanging in there, although yesterday just about killed me. Hopefully I have enough in me to get through another week! 
Photo by Tatiana Lapina 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s