The long break – Dysphoria watch – week five

I’m on my long break from work. And I’m worked up about it…. Girl at work, boy at home is my dividing line. How will I survive with minimal girl time? If the couple of weekends before Christmas are any indication, then the answer will be badly 😦

Day 29

Oh! So dysphoria was sapping all the energy out of me this morning, and it was extremely debilitating. So I’ve gone girl to try and re-energise myself. I think it’s helping, but now I’m feeling guilty for being Loretta at home. While it’s helping me out, it doesn’t make my wife very comfortable.

And my son is wondering where I’m going today as a result. So I had to tell him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Then he asked why I was dressed up. So I told him I felt like it. And that’s the truth.

Today is the day before we head up the coast. So no girl time for a week and I guess I was anxious about that. This is compounded with it almost being the anniversary of my dad passing away. So I guess I was already feeling down.

Success? Yes! Being Loretta totally calmed me down and I was able to do things. No longer was I in a fog 🙂 It’s crazy how dysphoria can affect me like that. But I guess I’m lucky that my dysphoria is only mild. I can barely imagine what it is like for those who suffer from chronic dysphoria.

And for some reason today was different. The last time I was Loretta at home I really didn’t feel like I was Loretta. Today I definitely am 🙂

Day 30

Today is just a tough day. It’s one year on since I lost my dad. So emotionally I’m at a low already. And then throw in a long drive (for me anyway, you see I ride my bike for more kilometres than I drive, so 200 is a long way for me….are we there yet?). And I know for a week there’s no Loretta time, so it’s distressing to say the least. So I’m seeing the next week as one to just struggle through. Hopefully my dysphoria doesn’t get too bad as I pretty much don’t have any of Loretta’s things.

Day 31

Oh my! Lots of waiting around today. But no time for Loretta. That’s OK. While I’m missing her, I’m not not falling apart without her. So dysphoria today is fine. Frustration however is quite high. Thank goodness for some hugs from my niece. Somehow she seems to understand.

Day 32

Another day, and more wasting time sitting around on my bum. Maybe if I sit around long enough it’ll get big enough to fill out some of my dresses? Hmmm?! But then I can’t wear my killer skinny jeans. What to do? What to do?

Sigh! How much am I enjoying this holiday? Well I’m holed up in the bedroom because I’m tired of hearing my sister in law arguing with her husband. And then they want to tell me their problems. I so don’t care and don’t want to know. If it wasn’t for my niece and how much fun she and my son have together it would not have been worth coming.

Today I heard from S for the first time in quite a while. S found love! And I’m so happy for them. Ooh change in pronouns? Yes! It seems like S is back to being P, as this seems to work for them best. Not exactly a detransition, just someone working out what they’re comfortable with. And all of us in the transgender spectrum go through this, and hopefully through trial and error we can figure out who we are.

If only we could be accepted for who we are and this probably wouldn’t be as difficult as it is. But it is what it is, and we’ll continue our journeys to wherever they may lead us.

Day 33

I’m not sure that I really enjoy holidays anymore. I don’t get to be Loretta that much. And it seems like everyone else is on holiday but not me. Breakfast, dinner, the dishes, the driving. It’s certainly not a good break for me.

I’ve made it past halfway on this trip. And it’s not one that I want to experience again. It’s just awkward having to listen to the in laws bicker every day. And even more awkward to hear my tween niece telling them to stop it.

But how am I going dysphoria-wise? I’m ok, well hanging it there at least. I’m so busy doing holiday stuff and also not having a holiday stuff that dysphoria is in the background.

My niece had a bunch of questions for me last night. She just wanted to know more about me and my girl side. So I answered her questions and she tried to digest it all. This has been pretty good for me as at least I get to discuss this side of me rather than ignore it. So I think this has helped to reduce my dysphoria. Thank goodness we’re going home in three day’s time. But I can’t believe that it’s back to work time already. I’m so not ready.

Day 35

Did I tell you that I seem to have a daughter now? Well she’s been spending a lot of time with my son. And in our car, and generally hanging around with us. And right now the two of them are lying with their heads on my lap.

It’s kind of nice having a daughter. Even if it’s only for a little while. And it’s great that she knows that I have a girl side and she’s keen to know more about Loretta. And it’s also nice that I can share that part of me with her. It certainly helps me get through dysphoria 🙂

Photo by Ivan Franco Bottoni – Cinque Terre

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