Bag lady

I’m tired! Sometimes it’s tricky being me. Boy me, girl me, biker girl me, corporate girl me…..

Every me seems to have a different bag. And my life seems to revolve around making sure I have the right stuff in the right bag at the right time. I don’t always succeed though because there’s so much to remember.

Seriously there are five key bags in my life. The first one is……. manbag. Long before I became the girl I am today, I carried a manbag. I always had so much stuff that I really needed it. So my trusty Crumpler ludicrous debacle is my go to. And given that I’m bigender, it still gets a serious workout.

It’s filled with things like handwipes, tissues, keys, first aid kit, small towel, wind jacket, straws, chopsticks, plastic cutlery, tomato sauce, lip balm, wallet and a bottle of water. Grab it and my phone and off I go to daddy adventures or out with family, or visiting the bigger family.

Bag number two is my work handbag. What? Just one handbag? Nooooo! But this is the one that lives at work that I grab anytime I have to rush out. It’s a cheap guess handbag, in that it was unloved by the masses so I got it for $30. It’s got lipstick, powder, compact mirror, perfume, tissues, pens, scrunchies, hair clips, Bobby pins, tissues, brush and work keys. I just slip my phone and purse in grab my bicycle and I’m off.

Bag number three is another guess bag, but this time it’s a tote. For the occasions when I’m on the bus rather than on my bicycle. It’s three bags in one. Reversible tote, with matching handbag inside. The content is almost a replica of my work handbag except I also have a rain poncho and handwipes too….just in case.

Bag number four is a musette. This is the bag that I pack everything I need for work the next day, clothes, purse, phone, laptop, tissues etc and bag number five.

Bag number five is probably the most important bag of them all. It’s another Crumpler, low flying aviator, and it has so many of my girly essentials in there. All of my day to day cosmetics, my necklaces, my earrings, brushes, wipes, hygiene products, Bobby pins, scrunchies, hair clips etc etc.

So there it is. I’m a bag lady. I don’t know how I would stay organised without them all. They all have their distinct purpose, and keeping them organised keeps me organised.

Photo by stil

#110

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The glass is half full.

It’s been a tough month for me. And there’s a whole lot of things that I can’t change. But I can change the way I see things right?…..The glass is half full. I think I’ve been looking at things from a glass is half empty point of view. And that’s only seen me spiral downwards in an emotional train wreck.

I love a good espresso. And while an espresso never fills a glass it’s perfect just the way it is. You don’t want to fill the glass up because then you’ll have a long black, which I don’t want, or a really big espresso which is way too much.

So anyway I’m looking to see the glass as being half full. Perhaps I’ve been staring at the empty space in the glass and fretting over why that part of the glass is empty? And perhaps that’s just how it is, because the rest of my glass contains a damn fine espresso.

In any case I am feeling better, and I just feel much more positive. Which is a much nicer place to come from. My glass is half full and I’m going to enjoy it 🙂

Photo by Ed an Cohen

Me and my girls

I think all of us girls understand how important our breasts are to us. Whilst they don’t define us, I think they are an important part of us. I’m not saying that not having breasts makes me any less of a girl, but they certainly do make me feel more feminine.

So apart from the breasts giving me a more feminine shape, how do breasts make me feel more feminine?

Well the other morning I was getting dressed. As I put my breast forms on and hooked my bra up, I was hit with a wave of vulnerability. Now this wasn’t a bad feeling, more like me getting in touch with my femininity…..and I liked it!

Now as a boy, I know fear, and being scared. And this wasn’t that feeling at all. I mean that feeling when some Neanderthal looks at my tiny Asian boy self that triggers that feeling of, ‘don’t make eye contact, don’t get caught alone with them, stay with other people.’ This wasn’t like that at all.

It probably would have scared the heck out of most boys, but then I’m not most boys. In fact to me it felt wonderful and exhilarating. I’m not at all sure that this feeling is what most girls have. But to me it feels like it’s a strong part of my femininity, and one which I am very happy to embrace.

I ride my bike to work each morning, and I wear cycling gear because I don’t want my work clothes to get all sweaty. Anyway there’s one cycling jersey that always asks me, “Where’s my boobs?” And now that the weather is cool she can have them. (I have sensitive skin so silicone and warm weather and exercise = bad rashes + open sores)

She’s cut a little differently to my other jerseys. And oh my! …. Yes she looks so much better when I have my breasts on. And knowing that I look good, I feel good too.

Breasts certainly make me feel more attractive. Not that I actually want to attract anyone. But knowing that I look attractive makes me feel good. Is that me just being vain? Maybe, but the thing is they make me feel good about myself and I love that feeling 🙂

Photo by Annie Spratt

Roll with it

I’ve often wondered if I’m too sensitive. Do I overthink things? I really don’t know. I mean I’m in the middle of things so it’s hard to recognise if I am overthinking things.

Anyway this being sensitive has led to a pretty dry month blog wise, as I’ve been on a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s been a very up and down month. And more down than up. And if you’re thinking, “Ah! I know exactly what’s going on!”, then you’re probably wrong. No, I’m not on hormones. Never will be. Thats just not me.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of the ups and downs. It’s just way too personal. And I know if I write it, I’m just going to cry…….again! So suffice to say that I can’t sustain this level of emotional turmoil without a great cost to my health. So something needs to change.

It sounds counterintuitive but perhaps I need to think about not overthinking things. It is what it is. My only worry here is that by doing this I may shut off too much of myself…..I could get a little boring.

But I have to try. My current state of emotions is not sustainable. And I think I’m just going to have to roll with it.

Photo by Angelina Litvin