I had THE talk with my wife yesterday and it’s over. Not divorce over, but the love of my life no longer knows who I am and she no longer loves me.
Oh we’re still “together” but we’re not. But we are still a family. However all I want to do is curl up and die. That’s not to say that I’m suicidal. But if I were to die, and I had the consciousness to care, I wouldn’t care. I’d be happy to die. I just feel like there is nothing for me to look forward to.
I know I have a son! But one day he will grow up and live his own life. That’s the way its supposed to be. Me? Once he’s grown up, I see no future, nothing to live for. Yes I love my son to bits, but it’s different. I’ve lost the love of my life and I’m empty inside.
At the moment it feels like I’ll struggle through until he grows up but then what? I really don’t know? If I’m lucky I’ll have a heart attack like so many others in my family. Or maybe I’ll get run over by a truck, I ride a bike so much it’s possible. I mean I’ve almost been hit by a 3T truck, a 20 seat minibus and 2 cars. Almost you say? Touching distance! One of the cars actually had to reverse before I could get up.
And then this afternoon my poor work friend witnessed a horrific cyclist and truck accident. She was first on the scene and I feel so sickened by it. I can hear the screams in my head. So scratch getting run over by a truck. Too much trauma for too many.