Faded

Writing has been really hard for me over the past year. I’d gotten past the rush of experiencing life as a transgender girl and all that comes with that. So I suffered a bit from writer’s block. But the bigger problem was probably more about where my relationship with my wife was going. It wasn’t going forward that’s for sure. And I really didn’t want to think miserable stuff let alone write about it.

Deep down I think was very worried that I would lose her. She’s the love of my life, and still is. But it’s not working out for her….for us. If she still wanted me, I’d be a yes in a heartbeat. But the love is only one sided at the moment…..and that never works.

I know, I know….she’s a girl and I’m a girl and she likes boys. And it’s obvious it’s not going to work right? But I’m not a full time girl! I’m bigender so part time girl, part time boy. And physically all boy. Everything girl is an enhancement, not my actual body. Still, having seen the girl emerge has been enough to turn my wife off.

So now I’m so lost I’m faded. I really feel just washed out and I really don’t know what to do. But I also feel really dirty and unclean. I guess that’s how rejection has left me feeling. And it’s an unusual situation. We still live together, in the same room, in the same bed, but she no longer loves me.

Oh we still have a child to raise, and I would really hate to miss that. To be honest I don’t know how I would survive if I left. I would be so lonely….and would have too much time to think…..and that’s not a good thing.

Am I suicidal? To be honest I wonder if my family would be better off without me. The answer is of course “no they wouldn’t be”. And my mind is too healthy to countenance such things. But if my mind were to become unhealthy, then all bets are off……its no wonder that transgender individuals are a very high risk group for suicide.

So at the moment I’m in survival mode. Lots of listening to music, like “Faded” by Alan Walker as well as another of his songs, “All falls down”. And then I’ve buried myself in reading. Period romance novels to be exact. Thank you Julia Quinn! Your Bridgertons have been a wonderful distraction 😊 And thank goodness for a great online library! I’ve also got the Crazy rich Asian sequels to read soon. First and second in queue after eight weeks!

So for the moment I try desperately to remember the lines to “All Falls Down”, “You’re the drug that I’m addicted to and I want you so bad. But I’ll be fine and that’s that.” Now I just have to have to convince myself that it’s true, because right now it hurts so much.

Photo by Jakub Kriz

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