It must be Spring!

It must be Spring, everything is growing. My hair is growing longer, my fingernails are getting longer, my boobs are…….. just the same as they always are. They’re silicone, they don’t grow.

The girl in me is pushing my boundaries, and I’m not pushing back this time as I usually do. These aren’t ground-breaking boundaries but they all push me further into the world of girldom.

I’ve consciously made the decision to grow my hair. I’m past halfway down my ears now. And I’m keeping on going. It’s already longer on the sides than it’s ever been. I did have a sort of mullet a long time ago so it has been longer at the back, but I’m planning for it to be longer.

And I’m planning for a manicure this week. Complete with a nail shape and French tips. OMG! I really think I’m enjoying this. I really must be a girly girl.

I mean these are just some more steps on the journey that I’m on. Laser hair removal, eyebrow shape and tint are other regular steps on the way. And I’m loving it.

It’s going to be pretty impossible to hide my nails when I’m in boy mode but I have to do this. I’ve stopped myself from doing things like this so often, because it’s not what boys do. But I’m stepping up and owning my transgenderness. I can do this because it’s what I want to do. And I’m not letting society’s ‘values’ stop me this time.

I am me. And I need to be true to myself. And that means that I’m going to indulge my inner girl. I’m going to experience all of those girl things that I’ve wanted to try.

Photo by chuttersnap

I’m a model!

Well this was exciting! I received an invitation to the photo shoot at the gender centre. Not that I was too excited about having photos taken. But it was a good chance to meet the other ‘models’. All of us are going through similar issues, and it was a good chance to talk with them.

There’s something wonderful about being able to speak with people who really get you. Who really understand where you’re coming from. It’s quite liberating not having to explain the whole transgender spectrum and just be able to talk. I guess it’s like being in a profession with some technical jargon. Being able to talk with someone who understands the jargon is so good!

So there were about 18 of us. And I think probably 10 of us were ‘models’. And of course 8 of the 10 were girls! Where are all the transboys? I was probably the oldest of anyone there. Although I was told that I look a lot younger than that. Of course my girly ego lapped that up.

There was a fair bit of waiting around. But that was OK because it gave us all the chance to chat with each other. And the whole event became this hybrid photo shoot / group therapy session, which was simply wonderful.

Whilst most of us were girls, we were still quite a varied group. Some of us married with kids. Some of us still at uni and trying on makeup for the first time…red lips of course 😉 Some of us glammed up. And some of us dressed down. There was plenty of real hair and a couple of wigs too. Some going for a drag look with big lashes and most of us just trying to blend in.

And no, we didn’t get a real photo studio. We got the backyard and alleyway of a hairdressing salon in Newtown called Glitterbox. They very kindly provided their place for the shoot and the hair and makeup services. And the people there were lovely. If I was local I’d probably go there. Alas it’s a bit too far to have them look after my hair….but you never know.

And then there were the photos. It ended up being quite fun. I started off posing with a bicycle which was perfect for me. It gave me something to do with my hands and a bicycle always makes me happy. I hope it showed through in the photos.

After that I was pretty relaxed and tried to have fun with the camera. Hopefully they got some good shots out of it. So after initially not being too fussed about the photos, I’m really looking forward to seeing the results.

But really the highlight of the day was just talking with the other boys and girls there. I haven’t been able to make it to any of the group sessions since last year. And I’ve really missed them.

Amazingly there were no discussions about toilets! This seems to be a favourite topic at group meetings. And it’s almost like an icebreaker, which usually takes up the first half of the meeting.

I guess we were all fairly mature in our transgenderness so we didn’t need to have the toilet discussion. I think all of us there had made the jump from dreaming about our transgender lives, to living them. That doesn’t mean that we’re all living our transgender lives 24/7. Sadly society’s prejudices have made that impossible in some of our cases. But it meant that this was a very mature group, despite some of our tender ages.

So I’m looking forward to seeing the results of the shoot. Even if it does mean that I become one of the faces for the gender centre. They’ve given me so much support over the past year or so that I felt that this would be a good way to give back to them. It was the least I could do.

And if there’s another shoot next year, I hope I get another invitation because it was not only fun, but a great group meeting as well ☺️

Photo by Alexander Dummer

#111

Bag lady

I’m tired! Sometimes it’s tricky being me. Boy me, girl me, biker girl me, corporate girl me…..

Every me seems to have a different bag. And my life seems to revolve around making sure I have the right stuff in the right bag at the right time. I don’t always succeed though because there’s so much to remember.

Seriously there are five key bags in my life. The first one is……. manbag. Long before I became the girl I am today, I carried a manbag. I always had so much stuff that I really needed it. So my trusty Crumpler ludicrous debacle is my go to. And given that I’m bigender, it still gets a serious workout.

It’s filled with things like handwipes, tissues, keys, first aid kit, small towel, wind jacket, straws, chopsticks, plastic cutlery, tomato sauce, lip balm, wallet and a bottle of water. Grab it and my phone and off I go to daddy adventures or out with family, or visiting the bigger family.

Bag number two is my work handbag. What? Just one handbag? Nooooo! But this is the one that lives at work that I grab anytime I have to rush out. It’s a cheap guess handbag, in that it was unloved by the masses so I got it for $30. It’s got lipstick, powder, compact mirror, perfume, tissues, pens, scrunchies, hair clips, Bobby pins, tissues, brush and work keys. I just slip my phone and purse in grab my bicycle and I’m off.

Bag number three is another guess bag, but this time it’s a tote. For the occasions when I’m on the bus rather than on my bicycle. It’s three bags in one. Reversible tote, with matching handbag inside. The content is almost a replica of my work handbag except I also have a rain poncho and handwipes too….just in case.

Bag number four is a musette. This is the bag that I pack everything I need for work the next day, clothes, purse, phone, laptop, tissues etc and bag number five.

Bag number five is probably the most important bag of them all. It’s another Crumpler, low flying aviator, and it has so many of my girly essentials in there. All of my day to day cosmetics, my necklaces, my earrings, brushes, wipes, hygiene products, Bobby pins, scrunchies, hair clips etc etc.

So there it is. I’m a bag lady. I don’t know how I would stay organised without them all. They all have their distinct purpose, and keeping them organised keeps me organised.

Photo by stil

#110

The glass is half full.

It’s been a tough month for me. And there’s a whole lot of things that I can’t change. But I can change the way I see things right?…..The glass is half full. I think I’ve been looking at things from a glass is half empty point of view. And that’s only seen me spiral downwards in an emotional train wreck.

I love a good espresso. And while an espresso never fills a glass it’s perfect just the way it is. You don’t want to fill the glass up because then you’ll have a long black, which I don’t want, or a really big espresso which is way too much.

So anyway I’m looking to see the glass as being half full. Perhaps I’ve been staring at the empty space in the glass and fretting over why that part of the glass is empty? And perhaps that’s just how it is, because the rest of my glass contains a damn fine espresso.

In any case I am feeling better, and I just feel much more positive. Which is a much nicer place to come from. My glass is half full and I’m going to enjoy it 🙂

Photo by Ed an Cohen

Me and my girls

I think all of us girls understand how important our breasts are to us. Whilst they don’t define us, I think they are an important part of us. I’m not saying that not having breasts makes me any less of a girl, but they certainly do make me feel more feminine.

So apart from the breasts giving me a more feminine shape, how do breasts make me feel more feminine?

Well the other morning I was getting dressed. As I put my breast forms on and hooked my bra up, I was hit with a wave of vulnerability. Now this wasn’t a bad feeling, more like me getting in touch with my femininity…..and I liked it!

Now as a boy, I know fear, and being scared. And this wasn’t that feeling at all. I mean that feeling when some Neanderthal looks at my tiny Asian boy self that triggers that feeling of, ‘don’t make eye contact, don’t get caught alone with them, stay with other people.’ This wasn’t like that at all.

It probably would have scared the heck out of most boys, but then I’m not most boys. In fact to me it felt wonderful and exhilarating. I’m not at all sure that this feeling is what most girls have. But to me it feels like it’s a strong part of my femininity, and one which I am very happy to embrace.

I ride my bike to work each morning, and I wear cycling gear because I don’t want my work clothes to get all sweaty. Anyway there’s one cycling jersey that always asks me, “Where’s my boobs?” And now that the weather is cool she can have them. (I have sensitive skin so silicone and warm weather and exercise = bad rashes + open sores)

She’s cut a little differently to my other jerseys. And oh my! …. Yes she looks so much better when I have my breasts on. And knowing that I look good, I feel good too.

Breasts certainly make me feel more attractive. Not that I actually want to attract anyone. But knowing that I look attractive makes me feel good. Is that me just being vain? Maybe, but the thing is they make me feel good about myself and I love that feeling 🙂

Photo by Annie Spratt

Roll with it

I’ve often wondered if I’m too sensitive. Do I overthink things? I really don’t know. I mean I’m in the middle of things so it’s hard to recognise if I am overthinking things.

Anyway this being sensitive has led to a pretty dry month blog wise, as I’ve been on a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s been a very up and down month. And more down than up. And if you’re thinking, “Ah! I know exactly what’s going on!”, then you’re probably wrong. No, I’m not on hormones. Never will be. Thats just not me.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of the ups and downs. It’s just way too personal. And I know if I write it, I’m just going to cry…….again! So suffice to say that I can’t sustain this level of emotional turmoil without a great cost to my health. So something needs to change.

It sounds counterintuitive but perhaps I need to think about not overthinking things. It is what it is. My only worry here is that by doing this I may shut off too much of myself…..I could get a little boring.

But I have to try. My current state of emotions is not sustainable. And I think I’m just going to have to roll with it.

Photo by Angelina Litvin

epiphany

For a long time I’ve wondered why Loretta is around now, she’s been in the background for so long, but then all of a sudden she was desperate to start really living. I had thought that maybe it was my mid-life crisis, but I dismissed that pretty quickly. Then I thought it might have been a control thing….but it wasn’t.

No there’s another reason and I think this is really the reason why. Now please don’t misunderstand. I’m not blaming anyone, it’s just how I think it happened. And I wouldn’t change a thing anyway. It is what it is. I am who I am.

Loretta has been a part of me since my childhood. She may not have had her name back then, but she was a regular visitor. I don’t think there was a month that went by without her appearing.

And she continued to be part of my life through my school and university years. Then through my years of marriage and having a family, although she was very much hidden from most almost everyone.

So what happened? Life happened. I’m a giving sort of person. And that even shows through in my working life as I’ve spent much of my life working for a not for profit organisation. I’ve worked for large commercial organisations but I’ve found that I really needed to work for a place with a purpose so that I could not only work but also give back to the community.

I give myself to my little family and to my extended family too. And after giving myself to work, and to family I think I forgot to give to myself. Especially after my son came along.

So after years of forgetting to give to me, Loretta stepped in. I think she knew that I needed to look after myself too. And she knew that she was just the girl to make sure that I pampered myself and got to experience things that were on my bucket list….like piercing my ears!

By becoming Loretta I really had to give a lot of time to me. There’s so many things for me to learn and practice. And just becoming Loretta every morning takes me half an hour of just concentrating on myself. I guess that’s my me time.

To be Loretta I really have to indulge myself. I mean all that shopping for pretty clothes! And shoes! And makeup! And jewellery! And finding time to practise my new voice. It all takes time, so now I’m spending some time on me ☺️.

And then there’s this. My blog. My Life of Loretta. How more self-indulgent can I get than to write about my thoughts and feelings. Yes I’m spending a whole lot more time taking care of myself. It’s no wonder that I love being Loretta.

Photo by Léonard Cotte

Sexual identity

OH-KAY! So this isn’t something that I’ve really covered before. I’ve concentrated a lot on gender seeing as my blog is about being transgender. I’m not planning to get into anything explicit, but if this post sounds like it’s going to be TMI, then feel free to skip it.

You know I’m a girl…..except for when I’m being a boy. So does that mean my sexual orientation is bisexual? No it isn’t. In fact I’m only attracted to girls. It doesn’t matter if I’m boy me or girl me, I’m only attracted to girls.

I guess that means that when I’m a boy I’m heterosexual, but when I’m a girl I’m a lesbian. Confused? Welcome to my world! It only gets better. Anyway, so that’s my sexual orientation.

But is that also my sexual identity? You would think so, right?….. I have a strong girl side, you’ve read all about her in my blog. And she’s fully one half of my gender, but I think she’s almost all of my sexual side.

I identify as a girl when it comes to sex. That’s kind of incongruous given that I have boy bits. But there it is. I guess it’s like an extension of being Loretta. Except identifying as a girl, when it comes to sex, came a long time before Loretta got her name.

So given that I identify as a girl when it comes to sex, and that I’m exclusively attracted to girls, I think that my sexual identity is actually lesbian.

Photo by Jonathan Daniels

I’m articulate?

Last week I happened to spend some time with my sister. Usually we only spend minutes together. One of us leaving when the other arrives at mum’s place. But today was different. We were both there for a few hours at the same time. So my sister got to hang around with Loretta, which doesn’t usually happen.

The big difference this time was not how I was dressed, but more about how I spoke. I certainly sound different as a girl. The thing is that my sister said that I sounded more articulate, and not so Australian.

Hmmm, that’s interesting! I know that growing up trying to fit in with my Aussie peers I did learn to speak like them. And I know if I really want to, I can certainly turn on the ocker.

But as Loretta? She certainly doesn’t speak ocker. And she is a lot more careful with her words and pronunciation. But articulate? I had never thought my voice would be described as articulate. But I guess that’s who I am as Loretta. I try not to have rough edges and I try to be as feminine as I can without being saccharine sweet.

So which voice is the real me? I’m not concerned about the boy voice or the girl voice. But is it the more articulate voice or the more Aussie voice? I know it’s not the ocker voice.

There’s definitely a softer side to me, which Loretta has been showing. But this softer side also appears on the boy side sometimes too. So I guess my real voice is actually this more articulate voice. How crazy is that?

Photo by Bewakoof.com

Trouble at the bank

I know, I know. Who needs to go to a bank in this day and age? Am I that much of a dinosaur? Well no, but when it comes to technology I think my mum is.

And so it was that I had to go to the bank to sort out mum’s stuff. And when are the banks open? Business hours. And who am I during business hours? Loretta! This is one of the main reasons I went to get my photo card. I don’t look anything like the photo in my driver’s license. But I do look like the cute girl on my photo card 🙂

Anyway to the bank. I don’t worry about going to the bank anymore. I’m there regularly thanks to mum! And so most of the staff know me now. This time however there was a teller I didn’t recognise. And of course out of the three, she was the one to serve me.

Things were going very smoothly as I explained the transaction I wanted to make. Then I swiped my card and entered my PIN. My accounts must have come up on screen then and the teller had a frowny face.

“Whose card do you have?” she asks. I tell her it’s mine. “Because it’s coming up with different details.” I know the ‘different details’ are that she sees Loretta in front of her and not boyname whose name the account is in. Before she can ask I give her my photo card and smile. It’s a genuinely happy smile, because I know that there is no way that she can imagine that I’m a boy.

She looks at me, looks at my photo card, looks at her screen, looks at my photo card. And her frowny face changes to confused face as the evidence starts to mount in my favour. I’m sure she doesn’t know what to do next when her supervisor sitting in the next window says “Yes that’s her.” The confused face slowly goes away as she finally understands.

And then it’s just a normal banking transaction. Finally she no longer looks bewildered and she returns to her usual smiling customer service face, and the matching customer service.

This is another one of those times when things don’t run as smoothly as I’d like. But at the same time it makes me feel good about myself as it reinforces my femininity. I guess it’s like being told that ‘you look pretty.’ And my ego just laps it up!

Photo by Fabian Blank

My favourite café is busy!

I come to my fave café once a month. And this is exactly what my flat white looks like. They use Toby’s Espresso so it’s always a good cuppa. This is my breakfast stop before counselling. The staff are lovely and welcoming and I can always find a seat. However today I must be a little earlier as they’re busier than usual. Maybe there’s more people here because they’re not on their way to work yet? Luckily I’m wearing my favourite skort so picking a bar stool is no problem for me.

I’m a creature of habit, and the girls are getting to know me a bit, especially after last month’s credit card hidden in the hand stunt. It looked like I just waved my hand over the eftpos machine. But I had my tiny credit card in my palm….it had come unglued from my phone where it usually sits (note to self: stop putting phone in bra when you don’t have pockets or handbag!). And they were shocked and were wondering how I did it so I showed them. And now they really remember me.

It’s supposed to be another hot one today. 35 is the forecast….. and it’s April! How crazy is this? Mid autumn and it’s 35? Well we’ve already had one day this hot already this month so I guess we’re going to have to get used to it!

Counselling this morning was good again. Having a time and space to think about what’s going on in my life and what I need to work on is invaluable. How good would it be if everyone had a counsellor to speak with? Free counseling really is one of the best perks of being transgender.

This month my focus is on my son. He seems to be fine with my girl side. However his rediscovered friendship with the neighbours brings complications. With my current routine it would be a matter of when the neighbours found out about me, not if. Now in general that’s not a huge worry for me. But I think it could affect my son in terms of teasing and bullying. And I don’t want that to happen.

So for the time being I might need to change from being Loretta at work and come home as boy. That after school time is the time I’d be most likely to run into the neighbours so it’s probably a case of being safe rather than sorry. Easy enough to do when I’m riding to work……but if I’m on the bus……..it might be tricky!

Photo by Nathan Dumlao

What to do with my hair?

So I’ve been thinking about what I should do with my hair. You see I wear a wig to work all the time. And while that’s fairly easy to do, it gets quite expensive because wigs wear out quite quickly when you’re wearing them day to day. And they wear out even more quickly because I ride my bike with them and the wind really wrecks them 😦

So today I’ve started to grow my hair rather than cut it short like I usually do. The hairdresser suggested that I should grow it to bob length and then put in extensions. I’m not sure if I’ll go with extensions, but I’m going to try growing my hair longer. I guess if it doesn’t work I can just chop it off.

This has been something that’s been at the back of my mind for a while and I’ve been incredibly indecisive about it. I mean I’ve been getting short haircuts but have been keeping the hair in front of my ears longer. It looks pretty strange like that. But I have a feeling that if I continue to grow my hair, then there’s going to be quite a lot of time when it’s going to look a lot strange!

I guess when I’m in boy mode I’m just going to have to wear it in a ponytail. Or maybe I should do something androgynous with it, rather than grow it long. I don’t know for sure…the options, the options!

But it’s not that simple. You see being a boy I’m at that age where my hairline is receding. Will I look any good with long hair with a receding hairline? Or is that a whole new wig world?

Regardless it’s time to retire Elle. It’s very sad 😦 She’s been my favourite wig so far. But she’s gotten a bit loose and the ends are all frizzy and knotty. So today I’m wearing Isabelle, and she feels new and fresh. But I’m not used to the way she falls and she’s a lot like Angelique in how she keeps falling in my face.

Sadly Elle only made it to ten weeks, which at the price is great value 🙂 I just wish that wigs lasted longer! I really must get spotlight back into the rotation. No point having an expensive wig and not wearing her. She’s probably only had six wears and a wash so maybe she’s next on the list? She’s also a dark dark brown and while the colour is ok I prefer off black.

I actually have two more wigs to try as well. Hayley who is long and straight and off black. And Layla who is medium length and espresso. From the same company that did Elle, so cheap but not long lasting. I’m not as confident about them as Elle, or even Isabelle, but at the price I have to try 🙂

The silver lining is that I have two more Elles to wear as I snapped up the last two in stock 🙂 But with all these other wigs it might be 2019 before I do Elle again.

Photo by David Yanutama