New breasts

I’ve decided. Enough is enough. I need new boobs! No I’m not getting a boob job. I’m not that brave. And besides I’m bigender so getting a boob job would mean that I have to strap them down in boy mode. So probably easier to add boobs than to hide them. 

But why? Do I want to be bigger? Smaller? Actually I really like the size I have at the moment. I’m a C cup, so not too big and not too small. I must have goldilocks spirit in me. 

No the problem is that my current breastforms are breaking down inside. It’s fairly early in the piece so they’re still usable and not uncomfortable at all. However, everyday I can see that they get a little bit worse, so it’s only a matter of time before they become bags of slush. 

Now I guess the gut-reaction is not to buy those forms again / or buy from that store again. However I contacted the store by email and let them know what problems I was having. They asked for some photos and when they saw them they said it was a manufacturing defect and that they would replace them ☺️

I can’t speak highly enough of the service I got from the breastformstore.com. This is not a shameless plug for them, but the best way I can acknowledge and thank them. The service I received from them was second to none. Even though I am half a world away from them, they really looked after me. And instead of shipping me a new pair of breastforms off the shelf, they had a brand new pair made for me. 

Oh I think they want my loyalty. Oh I so think they’ve got it. I’m very excited that I’m getting new boobs. Probably more so because of what they represent rather them being new, or because they’re boobs. They represent really being looked after. And that feeling is so awesome! 

Thanks Eden! 

Photo by Chloe Si

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New photo ID? 

Today I’m off to the city for work. But first a quick stop at service NSW to see if I can get a new photo ID. You see most of the time when I’m out and about during the week my drivers license looks nothing like me. I know that everyone says this. But I think I look more different to my license than most.

I’m really not sure if I’ll be successful or not but it would be nice. It’s not as if I want to put “Loretta” on the ID. I’m happy to have boy name on there. I just want it to look more like me.

So here I am, on the bus, and it’s a little draughty, in my LBD. Yes. I’m wearing a dress! First time in nine months! It’s not that I don’t like dresses. I just find it tricky to find one that suits me.

As you can see this one is quite business like. Cap sleeves, just above the knee (well it is on me!), fit and flare shape with lace detail at the neck and hem. I have my pink and blue butterfly necklace and pink and blue swan bracelet to accessorise the black look. I’ve got my black guess jacket to up the business look. And my black ankle boots to maintain the black look. Finished with my blush duster coat for a bit of warmth and contrast. Bag for the day is my trusty brick orange Crumpler. Not exact business like but my bag choices are limited, especially if I need to carry a little bit more than handbag size. I think I look pretty good ☺️

Well that was a nice letdown. I was geared up for difficulty at service NSW with getting a new photo ID. It was no problem whatsoever. I just hope my photo looks alright. Glasses off, hair off eyebrows, no smiling. The lady serving me was wonderful. Couldn’t ask for nicer service. It was just so easy. So in two weeks time I should have my new girly looking ID 👩

To celebrate I went for breakfast at The Grounds @ the galleries. Usually I’m a muesli kind of girl. But with training on I thought I better fuel up for better concentration. So I ordered a wild mushroom feuilettè. It was beautiful with petals and fresh herbs strewn across it. And the poached eggs looked fantastic! It… was….delicious! My only tiny gripe was that they used a little too much vinegar to keep the poached eggs together. However they were perfectly cooked. Oh I would so eat that again if I get the chance.

It’s staff training day today. So I walked from the city up to kings cross as I had plenty of time to get there. However the venue was a little tricky to find…. I had a map and everything! Eventually I had to ask a concierge. I really don’t like doing that. It’s not their job but I walked down and up and back down so I had a good look. And I only had five minutes to get there and I hadn’t seen anyone else. It turns out I was ten metres away. I just had to do a u-turn to get to the door I didn’t see!
Training was 7 habits of effective people….on speed! It was a good little course. Certainly some useful pieces to take away and use for work and iny life. But to be honest this wasn’t the major thing for my day.

I had made a 2pm appointment to see my aunt and uncle at their office. With a bit of luck I hopped on a bus going almost to their door with just enough time to make it. They hadn’t met Loretta before but I did give my aunt the heads up and she was already supportive, so this should be easy. But still it’s the first step in letting my extended family know.

And as expected it went really well. My uncle was very shocked even though he was forewarned. So we sat and chatted….about me funnily enough. And it was really good to talk with them about this. It’s still didn’t make tea any nicer though. But I felt like I had to say yes to tea. At least it was wet. #teasux

They were so supportive and were only worried about what this meant for my little family. Which is exactly my main worry so I really felt that they understood. And I let them know that was my priority as well.

To top it off my aunty said that my new look really suited me. And that I looked quite sophisticated. I told her that I tried really hard to blend in. And she told me that I had failed, because I dressed so well that I stood out. Oh dear! Have I done too much? No she said that it looked effortless and not overdone. I know my aunty has good taste and a keen eye for fashion so this was high praise indeed.

So another day done. Another one where there could have been problems but again everything went so smoothly for me that it’s hard to believe. I still think that I’m going to find some difficult days on my journey. But so far I seem to be charmed. I…AM…SO…LUCKY!

Zoey dress by atmos&here from the iconic 

Blush duster coat by Wallis from the iconic 

Fifty! 

Oh my goodness time creeps up you! This is my fiftieth…..post! I wasn’t sure how successful my blog would be when I started it but it’s exceeded my expectations. No, hardly anyone reads it but it has been the perfect way to gather my thoughts and really think about what it means to me to be transgender. 

I thoroughly recommend writing your thoughts down to get a better grasp of what it all means. You don’t have to go public like I did. But I feel that going public held me accountable for writing logically? Or at least not just writing random thoughts so that my posts had closure. Leaving too many open ended posts gets you nowhere. In any case it’s OK to change your thoughts later on. You might have new information which gives you a new insight. 

Have I figured everything thing out? Absolutely not! I don’t think I ever will. But that’s not the point. The thing is, this is a journey, and I want to keep my eyes open and experience what’s going on. And this blog is essentially snapshots of where I am on my journey. It’s an exciting, amazing journey that only a privileged few of us get to go on. There will be good times and bad times, but as long as I get to live my life, my way, it will be awesome. 

For most of the world gender seems fairly black and white. For me there’s a whole kaleidoscope of colours here. I’m not sure I’ll ever figure out which colours are mine but I’m sure that I’m going to have a Hella good time exploring. 

Photo by Levi Guzman

Automatic pilot? 

Back in May I was finding that my boy side and girl side were getting all mixed up.. Now however I’m finding that I’m a little bit more on auto pilot when it comes to how I sound at least. 
Last week I had to call Energy Australia. Somehow in the process of changing over my dad’s account over to mum’s name, they also managed to change my account to mum’s name too! But they couldn’t just change it back. They had to go through the process of opening a new account 😕 

I called them from work as I had to call them during business hours. So it was Loretta who called, pretending to be boy me. It was early and it was just Kim and I in the office so I wasn’t worried about other people hearing my boy voice. And I needed to use my boy voice to get the account fixed. Or so I thought. 

Anyway we were going through the process of opening the new account. You know address of property, name, drivers license, etc etc. Then they stopped and asked, “Is that Mrs or Ms?”. Well that stopped me in my tracks. Here I am, trying my best to be boy me and they pick up my girl vibes over the phone. 

I double check what his question was and say, “Would you believe it’s actually Mr?”. He apologises and we go on. I give up trying to sound boy. And Loretta talks to him for the rest of the call. We get the new account open and I get a credit for the trouble caused. 

So what happened there? I was trying to be boy me. But I certainly didn’t look like boy me. And over the phone they picked up on girl me even though I gave them boy name. Was I in Loretta mode and the underlying vibe I’m giving out girl? Or is Loretta taking over and it’s more difficult to be boy me? 

I suspect that because work time is Loretta time, then that’s my default way of being. So that’s how the girl vibe slipped out. Similarly at home my default mode is boy, and it’s tricky to be Loretta when you look like a yucky boy. Even when I’ve come home as Loretta, or have gotten ready to go out as Loretta I still sound like boy me at home…. I think. 

The other day I had to call some tyre stores to find out if they had the tyres I needed. And given that it was boy me that was going to drive there I thought boy me should talk with them. I was working from home that day, so I was actually the boy. Now those were very blokey conversations and seeing as I got called “mate” I think I passed the boy test. 

So my separation of girl and boy sides to work and home seems to be my autopilot mode as well. Even if I’m consciously thinking of the other side. No matter, so long as I can blend in when I need to is the important part for me. 

Loretta is certainly giving out more and more girl vibes now that she’s had more practice. I think this is a good thing? But the reasons I know about the girl vibes aren’t so good. On the phone the other day I got called “doll”. Cheeky sod! Thinking back to the conversation it wasn’t business like, it was a lot friendlier than that. It was actually a work call, and Loretta’s girly exuberance was shining through. But getting called “doll” at the end of it was a bit of a shock. 

Then walking home from the bus the other day I got honked at again. I was listening to Jessie J at the time, so that might have given me a bit of a girly strut. What is it with honking cars? Last time I thought it was my long wig, and skinny jeans that might have attracted attention. This time, usual wig, dark red long sleeve top and a white floral midi skirt with taupe ankle boots. Perhaps it’s not the clothes. Perhaps it’s the girly vibe that I give out when I’m listening to music. 

Then at Trivia lunch the other day we lucky girls scored the barstools at the high table. As the others went to order lunch I sat, and waited. And looked out the open door directly opposite me, and noticed the table of boys all staring in the door….at me… Me who was wearing a short flip skirt, sitting on a bar stool, at their eye level. I quickly crossed my legs and put my jacket on my legs. It wasn’t as if I had my legs akimbo, they were together, but boys being boys still wanted to check out my knickers! 

Anyway, I guess I’m getting bad positive feedback about my femininity… Oh good I pass. 

Photo by Austin Neill

Is being Loretta a control thing? 

Sometimes I feel like my life is out of control. There are so many things going on. It feels like I just get pulled from here to there and back again. And that’s in my home life and in my work life. So it gets me wondering if being Loretta is the one thing that I do have control over? And is that why I love being Loretta?

It’s not like I’m immune to the push and pull of life when I’m Loretta. At work I’m always Loretta and things get pushed and pulled all over the place there. But being Loretta is my choice. No one can change that. It’s my choice.

Seriously, who in their right mind would choose to be bigender? I mean really, you’re a boy sometimes and a girl at other times? How does that work? Quite possibly this is the most difficult gender to be. But I love it because it’s me, all of me. Not just part of me. I no longer need to repress part of who I am.

So it was definitely a conscious decision to embrace first being transgender, to now being bigender. And at the same time to let Loretta out. But is it a control thing? I don’t think my life as Loretta is under control. There’s still a lot of push and pull. But I do have control over how I express myself. Before, I submitted to society’s control of how I expressed myself. So in that respect being Loretta is a control thing.

But is the control the reason I love being Loretta? Is this a two fingered salute to society? Honestly I don’t think like that. Being Loretta is a joy. It’s the part of me that’s been hidden for so long, and I’m absolutely loving being able to express this side of me. And to have society at the stage where I feel safe and supported as Loretta? That’s just the cherry on top. And I love 🍒!

So no, being Loretta is not a control thing. I am Loretta because it’s who I am, and I love being all of me. And like the song from the movie, the flower drum goes, I enjoy being a girl! 

Photo by Marcela Laskoski

Knee trouble 

Occasionally I have trouble with my left knee when I’m riding my bike. It probably flares up once a year but is manageable. Yesterday I could feel it wasn’t right on the way to work but it wasn’t too bad. But then when I went to pick up the mail for work it was not good. By the time I rode back to the office I was doubtful that I would be riding home. I could have made it but that would have meant a longer recovery. At the end of the day I headed for the train.

So no bike for the rest of the week in an effort to get my knee right for next week. Last year this might have meant that Loretta took a break from work and boy me would go instead. But not this year. I know, I know I’m bigender so it shouldn’t be a big deal right?

Not a big deal for me but it might confuse things at work. Transgender is one step but bigender might be a step too far. I know the boss is old school and while accepting, he still has issues getting Loretta and pronouns right. In any case I need my girl time.

So for the rest of the week I’m a girl, door to door. Usually girl time starts at work. Seeing as I ride to work and get changed anyway it made sense. I probably already was a girl door to door but the lack of boobs when I ride really does make a difference. So 5am makeup call is on for the rest of the week.

So am I a girl of convenience? Oh that sounds terrible! Even worse than telling people I’m a working girl! But seriously do I take the easy way out when it comes to being a girl? I mean I really could ride to work with wig and boobs on. So why don’t I?

In the summer I knew why. I really didn’t want to get my girl stuff all sweaty. Whether or not that was a valid reason doesn’t matter at this time of year because it’s nice and cool. And yes it’s definitely more convenient to girl up after I ride into work. But I do have to get changed at work after I ride anyway so I guess it makes sense to girl up then.

Am I a girl when it’s convenient? Well if this were true I probably wouldn’t be a girl this week. These 5am makeup calls are exhausting! It’s a huge commitment to embrace being bigender. Mentally and physically it takes a lot of concentration and effort. And the time it takes up! Hoo boy! I’m no girly girl but getting ready to be me takes time. And then I have to switch!

I’m not complaining. This is what it takes to be me. Yes I’m going to take the easier, more convenient way sometimes but I think I’ve earned it. Hopefully my knee is better next week. It’s been wonderful being a girl door to door but I miss my bike. And these bus rides are getting old.

Photo from freestocks.org

Long day…..but a good one! 

So it’s GQ meeting day today! Yay! I’ve been looking forward to catching up with S&O&M. And to thanking and farewelling AM. But there’s a lot to get through today…starting with a 545am makeup call. The things we girls do to get ready before we head out the door.
Of course my best laid plans came undone with the morning bus. No I didn’t miss it again, this time it was ten minutes late. And it had a knock-on effect for the rest of the day. So straight away that put me back 15 minutes because I had to get the next train. But this isn’t a whinge it’s just that I struggled to get those ten minutes back.

So busy day. I do accounts work and today BAS is due. It’s the last BAS for the financial year so it’s pretty important which means there’s lots more things for me to check. My estimate was that I would need all day to get it done. I was right apart from a lunch break that’s all I did.

Lunch break? Oh yeah! Today I scored a free buffet lunch at the local Cafe as part of their promotions. I got the third last ticket. They went all out making their regular menu…but buffet style and they did it well. I’ve had lunch there before and it was really good. Today was just as good so they didn’t slack off and the buffet style didn’t faze the kitchen.

Mini-burgers, salmon sushi, chicken wings, frittata, pizza, and a deep fried rice ball topped with smoked salmon. Well that’s what I sampled and it was all very good. There was nothing that I thought afterwards that I wished I hadn’t picked up. Not only delicious but professionally presented too. I really hope their promotion is a success because they really went all out for it. 😋

Sounds like a long lunch? No it was very strictly timed so I was back at work thirty minutes after I left. #thankgodforbicycles So I was still only 15 minutes behind on my day. Back at work and I hammered out the BAS report. Triple checked everything. Pulled out supporting documents and emails. And I got it done and lodged in time….just. And then I saved ten minutes. The boss couldn’t authorise the payment today, so there was no need for me to do the bank transaction. Yes!

So fix makeup, grab my handbag and coat, turn the alarm on and go go go! Normally it’s a fifteen minute fast walk to the station. My plan all day was to allow twenty. Yesterday I road tested my 8cm block heel black ankle boots with a long walk. And I was confident that I would be able to last the night in them. However it would take me longer to get around than in my usual flats.

I set off at a brisk walk. I had saved ten minutes so I had 15 minutes to get there. It was going to be very close. As I walked I pulled out my travel card because there would be no time later. I made it to the street where the station was when the train pulled in. If I was at the steps I would have been even money to make it. An extra 80 metres? No chance. Sigh! I was 15 minutes behind again.

Plenty of time to listen to music then. Today’s anthem is “Last Friday night”. My goodness! Who knew I liked mainstream pop? That’s so not the boy me. But here I am, this girl who is loving it! Carly Rae, Jessie J, Taylor, Katy, Ariane….what happened to me?

The train zipped me into central where I stopped for a quick dinner at Menya. My favourite ramen bar. I had their classic menya pork ramen in shoyu.. $10.30. Now I know lunch was free and it was very good. But if I had to pay for it versus ramen from menya? Menya hands down… Winner! I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad meal here and the prices are so good.

After slurping down my noodles (not really, girls don’t do that do we?) it was off to the bus. 9 minutes to the GQ meeting and the bus trip is 14. Not too bad, I won’t be too late. I arrive at my stop and wait at the lights to cross. When I get across I can see up the street to the office where the meeting is. And I can see someone outside. Then it looks like they try the door, turn around and head up the hill. I think it might be S.

I quickly walk to the office and the door is locked AND it’s dark inside. I’m sure it was S! So I walk up the hill after her but she’s too far ahead…I have to run if I want to catch her. 8cm heels? Come on girl you can do this. So I run, I’m not fast but I’m gaining. I cross a side street and then the traffic on the main road stops for the lights. If I yell her name she might just hear me. But yelling as a girl? New territory. My girl voice is very soft so it might not work. And while S is a girl, she’s not ready to dress like one. So if there’s someone else around I might just out her. But everyone else is a bit further away.

I call her name…nothing. I continue to run and I call her name again. She turns but doesn’t see me and continues walking. No one should be calling out her girl name so it makes sense that she thinks she’s hearing things. I’m sure the traffic will start again any moment, “S………!” And she stops, turns and walks back down the hill as I finally catch up to her. She’s as glad to see me as I am to see her.

We walk back down the hill and check the office for any signs of life. And decide that they are definitely closed tonight. So we decided to hold our own meeting up at the pub. After all that running and yelling this girl deserves a golden ale mmmm! S doesn’t drink much so settles for water.

We had a good long chat about being transgender. I don’t get to do this apart from the meetings, and certainly not to this depth. Yes I blog about it a little, but it’s more of a one sided conversation. And while I have more experience than S, and she felt that she might have been picking my brains or being intrusive. I felt that I was getting just as much out of it by talking about it.

I suggested that she might like to come along to the Friday night social so that she could have a venue to dress up and be S. And she might just do that. It’s certainly a safe venue for her to do it, and might open her eyes to what’s possible. Anyway we’ll see next month.

We chatted for an hour and a half but it didn’t seem like it and it was a little surreal. There we were sitting in a pub. A family having dinner behind us. Other tables filled with people enjoying a quiet drink with friends at the end of the week. And here we were having a perfectly normal conversation about being transgender. It was wonderful!

Eventually I thought I’d better make tracks if I wanted to get to the Friday night social, AND get home in time to see family So we said our goodbyes and we were both so happy that we managed to catch up with each other. And we looked forward to catching up again next month.

Across the road to wait for the bus. Where there was an old Greek milkbar.. Must have been there since the 50s. Serious time warp. Six minutes to wait…..and get leered at by some random walking by… Creepy! I don’t like this part of being a girl. But I guess it comes with the territory so I’ll just have to deal.

Oh boy! Now that’s one hot bus. Heaters going full blast. Had to move to the aisle to cool down. Halfway! Bus transfer. But twenty minute wait. What’s a girl to do when she’s hot and bothered and has time on her hands?  Gelato of course! Sour 🍒 mmmmmmm! I came at the right time, ordered quickly and claimed a seat at the window. Legs crossed if course! The sour cherry was delicious 😋. And very popular. Lots of people ordered it and I had to squeeze my way back out of the gelato bar so I could keep on going.

I made my way to the bus stop for the second leg of the journey. And didn’t have to wait long and I was on my way again. Certainly making good use of my opal card today. I wonder if I’ll hit the cap? It’s amazing how fast the busses are when it’s not peak hour. In next to no time I was getting off the bus for the short walk to the Friday night social and only half an hour late.

There’s quite a few girls in tonight. It looks like around 30 of us. Oh and in the back corner there seems to be a store selling quite a few things that us girls need to help us be……girls. M tells me that they always come to the July meeting because it’s just before the ball. And OMG it’s the Breastformstore! How lucky is that?

Why is it lucky? Well I’m actually having trouble with my…..ahem…boobs. I think the silicone is breaking down. No leaks but I’m in need of replacements. Given that I purchased them from overseas I was sure they would ask for them to be shipped back for inspection so it might not be worth it.

But I got them from the Breastformstore overseas so talking to the Australian affiliated store might be the stroke of luck I need. So I meet Tanya and David who own the store and tell them my problem. Of course they want to check out my boobs for themselves. So we do swapsies, Amazingly they had exactly the same breastform as I was wearing, even the same size.

So off I went to the changing room to swap boobs. And then I realised that I was wearing my bodysuit. (Fantastic to wear with jeans in colder weather to give you another layer without mucking up how your jeans fit ☺️) Hopefully I can get away without having to take everything off! After a little trial and error it wasn’t so bad. Top up. Undo bra and slip the form out the side and then reverse. I was worried I would have to get naked!

Both Tanya and David check out my boobs and declare that it’s a manufacturing defect. Apparently the silicone is starting to separate and they can’t find any punctures which is good. They take some photos and tell me to get in touch with the overseas store and if I’m lucky they might replace them. The overseas store will probably get in touch with Tanya and David to check though.

This is good news. I had pretty much written them off. Apparently they’re supposed to be pretty bullet proof and should last 18 months or so. However David suggests that maybe the gold seal or amolux might be a better long-term solution for me. He actually recommended the aphrodites but sadly I’m allergic to them 🙁. They had some gold seal there and they look to have a stronger back construction…so maybe. I’ll have to check out the amolux which are supposed to be hypo-allergenic. So hopefully I’ll get some free replacements and I’ll also get a new pair as well. A girl’s got to put her best boobs forward right?

Oh my! Time is slipping away. If I leave right now I’ll make it in time before family goes to sleep…. And I’ve got 5 minutes to make the bus! I grab my handbag, pull my jacket and coat out from behind J who’s sitting on them. Say some quick goodbyes and I’m off. Out the door, cross the street and run! More running! I’m glad I’ve worn these boots in. I’m not fast but it makes a difference. I get to the bus stop and 20 seconds later I’m on the bus. Thank goodness for real time apps ☺️

I’m not too far from home so it’s a short bus ride. However this route is a backstreet one so it’s a good 1.5 km walk from here in my 8cm ankle 👢. Thankfully Jessie j and Carly Rae keep my walking tempo up. Oh my!  Walking to these beats certainly gives me a girly strut. I guess in these heels it’s inevitable….and I like it! 😊

Add in some strutting to Ariane and I’m home.  And I make it in time to reconnect with family. Thank goodness!  I hate days where I don’t get to see and talk to them. Fortunately those days don’t happen very often. It’s only a quick reconnect as everyone is ready for bed, including me! It was a long day…but a good one!

Photo by Sandi Shelvigs 

Homework? 

So at my last GQ meeting we got homework! It was an article to read about the Detransitioners. These people identified as transgender and transitioned. And then after a period of time they realised that they weren’t transgender and transitioned back again. 

Oh my! I can barely imagine what they went through. To go through all of the transition and get to the other side and find that it actually wasn’t your true identity and then transition back? Oh those poor people. What a journey that is! 

AM wanted us to read this so we could discuss at the next meeting (this coming week ☺️). I don’t see that it really applies to me really as I’m never going to transition. Being bigender going to “the other side” means I still have another gender identity to express. Just like I do now. 

But am I really transgender? Am I bigender as I think I am? Or am I caught up in a swirl of a perfect storm which has lead me to believe this? Well that’s a huge part of why I blog. To try and think about it and come up with some answers.  

Have I read so much about being transgender that I believe that I am? Have I brainwashed myself? To be honest I don’t really know for sure. But here’s what I do know. 

I love to dress in girls’ clothes. 

I get anxious when I don’t get to express my feminine side for a period of time. 

I have no desire nor do I need to physically transition.

I love and need my masculine side. 

I am not gender dysphoric. 

I think mentally, however, I have already transitioned to being bigender. Loretta is now half of my life, where before she was probably less than 10% of my life, and struggling to cope with having to hide. Being out and about as Loretta has been such a joy. To be able to express my feminine side so freely is something I never ever dreamed of. 

Do I need more than this undreamed dream? Do I need to physically transition? I must say that as Loretta I’d really like my own breasts. But really that’s so I could wear more clothes. Dresses in particular. Something with spaghetti straps or even strapless? Something that can show off a bit of cleavage? I certainly can’t do that with any degree of confidence right now. And if you’ve been reading my posts you’ll know that passing is quite important to me. 

Downstairs I can get away without any changes and to be totally honest, I don’t want to make any changes down there. I like being a boy….a lot! But would I want to get my own breasts? For real? I think that would only make sense to do that if I was a transgender girl, rather than being bigender. And given that I like being a boy as well as a girl I don’t think I qualify as a transgender girl. So I guess real breasts are out of the question then….sigh! 

I’m not someone who is going to physically transition. I’m not even someone that would take drugs to make myself more feminine. But I do go as far as laser hair removal and eyebrow waxing…does that count as physically transitioning? I guess not. 

I am who I am. I think I’m bigender. I may be wrong. Perhaps I’m just a boy who likes to wear girls’ clothes. But either way I won’t risk changing my body. That’s just not me. 

So the Detransitioners? Wow! The journey for them turned out to be twice as long as they were expecting. And the destination ended up being nowhere near where they were expecting and it sounds like the destination was quite close to home. 

In the end its always the journey which is the important part. The destination may not be what you were expecting, and sometimes the destination changes along the way, but there’s always the journey. And I’m certainly enjoying my journey. 

Photo by Aaron Burden

How to cure nausea

This story doesn’t actually occur in the life of Loretta but is another one that I wanted to write about anyway.

So the family drove up to the Hunter Valley on the weekend so we could go to snowtime in the garden. It’s much closer than the snowy mountains and at this stage my son only wants to play with snow rather than learn skiing. So it’s a much better option for us right now.

There were huge snowpits where you can build snowmen, snowcastles or snow whatever. And then there was a designated snow fight area where snowballs were flying everywhere. And then there were toboggan slides and a big ice skating rink too. To sum up lots of fun was had.

Anyway I’m not much of a driver anymore. For the past 10 years I think I’ve ridden my bike further than I drive each year. So long distance driving is a challenge for me. And even though the hunter isn’t really that far away, it is for me.

So on the way home we decided to detour to The Entrance for lunch and to see the pelican feeding. That took us off the motorway and onto smaller roads. Now the roads weren’t bad or too twisty, but for some reason it was making me nauseous. So I was very glad to get there and get out of the car.

We walked over to the main plaza area and found a pizza and pasta restaurant where we could have lunch. I still wasn’t feeling good but thought I should have some lunch anyway. Our waiter must have been trying to shock it out of me as he knocked over a water bottle straight on top of a glass and smashed it to smithereens. There was glass everywhere and we had to move tables. Good thing we hadn’t even ordered yet as any food would have been inedible. Sadly I was still feeling nauseous.

A nice mushroom pizza with olives, and some pepperoni pizza and some spaghetti later and I was full. However I was still no good. So we wandered over to where the pelican feeding was going to be and even though it was still another 45 minutes to go there were already people waiting.

I decided to join them so I could sit down and hopefully start to feel better. Besides these were the last front row seats.. Or rather rock steps, and right next to the water where we had a birds eye view of the pelicans jumping out of the water onto the feeding area. We were so close they were landing right next to us and splashing us in the process.

If we wanted to, we could reach out and touch them if they would let us. So we were there early to get a great view. And they were there early so they could have the best chance of getting a fish! In the end there must have been a hundred pelicans there…..and a hundred people too!

We waited and waited and got splashed and 💦 again. And we got to see them up close and personal. Maybe watching them poop was a little too close and personal…..ew! And finally the volunteers arrived with a tub of fish

Oh the pelicans were happy to see them! More and more pelicans hopped up onto the feeding area, splashing us in the process. And they were incredibly close, and they were hungry. They crowded around the box of fish waiting to be fed. Bob opened the lid and grabbed a fish. Three pelicans tried to stick their beaks in the box to get one for themselves. It was going to be a battle.

Bob tried to feed a nearby pelican who grabbed the fish….and Bob’s hand! Fortunately his hand was in a thick glove and after much shaking he got his hand back. He didn’t seem to be worse for wear but it looked like he may have felt a bit more than a tickle.

So Bob started throwing fish to save his hand. But each time he opened the box three beaks went in and the fight was on. And then there were so many pelicans up there that when he threw the fish, they all jumped. And when pelicans jump, they flap their wings. And because there’s so many pelicans and so many people watching them, when they flap they hit each other and anyone close enough. And there was no one closer than me.

It was like I was in a boxing match. Except it was everyone against me. I had my arms up, protecting my head against every flap. My cap came in very useful as by holding onto both sides of the peak of my cap I had good protection for the top and side of my face. I took many blows (flaps) to the arms and body but luckily avoided the knockout blow.

And then the fish were all eaten, we clapped our hands and the pelicans flew home. Bob still had both of his hands, and amazingly both his gloves and I was still in one piece. And for some strange reason I was no longer feeling nauseous.

So if you’re ever feeling 🤢 and you’re on the central coast, head for The Entrance and get some pelicans to beat you up and you’ll be fine in no time 😊

Is being transgender a blessing or is it a curse? 

For me, being transgender has the advantage of getting to experience both of the “binary sides” of gender. That’s great for me because I’m somewhere in the middle of the transgender spectrum. (And I am starting to suspect that I’m actually bigender.) But obviously horrible for some others who identify totally as the opposite gender. I really can only speak for myself here, so my views only relate to my experience and feelings.

My body is a boy’s. I grew up as a boy. And I did all kinds of boy things. And I liked it. Cricket, footy, fishing and lots of bike riding were a large part of my growing up, typical boy stuff. I don’t think I ever thought that I wasn’t a boy. Still I felt that I was different from the other boys. Being a different ethnicity to the other boys certainly added to that feeling.

And then I discovered girl’s clothing and I liked it. The attraction was that I could feel pretty and soft and vulnerable. Which was very much on the opposite side of the spectrum of what I was experiencing being a boy. And then there was the being someone else…. She didn’t have her name back then, but Loretta was born. But even then I didn’t think I was anything but a boy. And interestingly enough I still love feeling pretty and soft and vulnerable.

I’m never going to be the most masculine of males. I don’t have the build nor the mindset to be that. I’m never going to be the most feminine of females either. Again I don’t have the physique nor the mindset for that either. I am so in the middle of it all.

I’ve done lots of tests on the internet, like the COGIATI test, and tried to answer them as truthfully as possible. I know that really they don’t have anything to back them up as being accurate. However it is still interesting to note that they all say that I’m androgenous. Or in the middle ground of being male or female. No surprise to me….fencesitter. And that was even true for the two COGIATI tests that I did 15 years apart.

So stuck in the middle…transgender and for most of my life not really getting to express it. It wasn’t horrible. There was so much in my life to be happy about. And for most of my life I didn’t realise that I was transgender. Or that there was this girl inside me wanting to get out and live life.

Oh there were times she demanded to dress up. But I just put that down to me being a crossdresser. And I knew myself well enough that there were going to be times that I just needed to dress up. Even though I thought that it was just the clothes, I did wonder what my name would be if I was a girl. And I thought that if I was a girl then my name would be what my parents would have called me – Leanne.

I always felt funny about that name. Not because it was a girl’s name. But somehow I just wasn’t comfortable with it. It didn’t really matter too much anyway as it wasn’t like I was ever going to use that name. So I left it at that for most of my life…until a couple of years ago when I decided that I wasn’t comfortable with Leanne. And that if I was going to have a girl’s name for the times I dressed as a girl it may as well be one that I liked. So after lots of searching it finally came to me and Loretta had her name.

As I got older I felt like I needed more than just dressing up occasionally. So I did what a lot of crossdressers do. I started wearing girl’s underwear all the time. That way I could always be connected to my girl side. I started sleeping in nighties and chemises to fit in more girl time. And I started wearing bangles and rings and necklaces to try and express my girl side.

Then one day I found that I had an issue with my eyes and went to my doctor. After checking me over and after sending me to an ophthalmologist, who declared that I had 20/20 vision, she told me that the issue was stress. We discussed my work stress and other things and of course my dressing up. I went home happy that I did not have a physical issue to deal with. But I did have a lot of thinking to do.

I started to think about myself a bit more carefully. Yes there was work stress. Stress with elderly parents having health issues, and stress from not being able to dress up as much as I would like. My dressing up I realised was actually more than just dressing up. When I dressed up I actually thought of myself as a girl, I became a girl, I became Loretta. And I started to consider that I might actually be transgender.

Now I know that crossdressing is part of the transgender spectrum. So I really already was transgender. But to give up identifying myself as a crossdresser and to identify as transgender gave me the freedom to explore further who I might be.

I knew that I needed to express my girl side more freely. I’d been wearing girl’s things but stealthily, so rather than hide it, I thought I should embrace it. And that’s when I started to think that I should tell people that I was transgender. And I did, family and workmates were the first to know. But not a whole lot changed. As I told everyone “Don’t expect to see me in a dress, because I don’t think I’d be comfortable doing that”.

So for 5 months after my bold declaration things stayed the same. And then one day, Halloween of all days, I decided to go to work as a girl. It was going to be a quiet day with only 3 others in. So I asked them all if they would mind if I dressed up for the day. And they were all fine with it so I did. Amazingly the world didn’t end and I had a great day. At the end of it my friend Katie suggested that we frock up for Cup day…which was the next day. Two days in a row as a girl? Yes please!

So a one day experiment rolled into two. And I loved the second day as much as the first. So I started letting my workmates know that I would be coming to work dressed as a girl sometimes and that I hoped it was OK with them. Everyone was so supportive it was amazing. Two days rolled into three days, then a week, and now ever since.

And it’s not just that I come to work dressed as a girl that’s so good. I actually am that girl. I am Loretta. I get to live that life, her life, my life, with all the ups and downs that come with it. And it is so amazing to be able to do this and it’s also so empowering.

So now I get to express both of my sides and it’s fantastic. To be able to be the girl I found inside me on a regular basis is so wonderfully fulfilling. The added bonus is that I don’t have to give up my old self either. He’s still here, anchoring the family and providing stability along with doing all the boy things that need doing.

But wouldn’t it be easier if I wasn’t transgender and was just a boy? Well yes and no, I would be a totally different person. Half of what makes me me would be missing, and what would it be replaced by, more boy? To be honest that scares me a little. I don’t think I want to be a more testosterone driven male. And if I was all boy, would I have the family that I love so much today?

Or what if it was the other way and I was all girl? I’m pretty sure that my sexual attraction wouldn’t change given what I know from being transgender. So I would be a lesbian. And where would that leave me with family? Obviously I wouldn’t have the family I love so much today.

Being one of the binary genders is just hypothetical of course. Being transgender is not easy. But being either of the binary genders is not easy either. Everyone has their own issues. But only a few of us get to see the world from both sides of the fence. For me being transgender is no curse. It’s not easy. There’s a lot of work involved, both physically and mentally. And it makes relationships in a binary world more tricky. But it works for me and it suits me. It’s not for everyone but being transgender is my blessing.

Oh and one I’d the great gifts of being transgender, for me, is that it’s given me the opportunity to write. I like to write, but I need something to focus on otherwise I lose interest. This transgender journey is the perfect thing for me to write about. There’s always more for me to discover and write about. And it helps me so much in clarifying who I am and how I think about myself and my relationships.

Photo by Boram Kim 

I think I might be bigender 

I think most people think that being transgender means that you want to be the opposite sex. I get asked a fair bit if I’m going to transition. So I think it’s a fairly common misconception. It’s also probably a function of the way we’ve been brought up in a binary world where you’re either a boy or a girl. 

Understanding what transgender means is difficult enough for me. So it must be even more difficult for everyone who isn’t transgender. And it’s because transgender covers everything between female and male. So there’s a lot of ground to cover. And there’s quite a few elements involved here which include:

1 Sex

2 Gender Identity 

3 Gender Expression 

4 Attaction

So for me it looks like this:

1 biological sex – male

2 gender identity – bigender? 

3 gender expression – both feminine and masculine 

4 attraction – female

I can answer 1,3 & 4 automatically. 2 however is still something that I’m trying to find an answer for. At the moment I think that I’m bigender. But I’m still researching it. 

Bigender means that you have both a female and male gender identity. And that you switch between the two. I certainly have both a feminine and masculine gender expression. But that’s different to a gender identity. Do I have both a female and male gender identity? I think so. 

It seems that a lot of bigender move between their genders depending on situations or simply how they’re feeling. So their gender is quite fluid. I think I’m a bit different to that, and that I identify more closely with non-fluid bigender. We’ll change genders when we choose to, but we might suffer from a build up of anxiety or stress until we do. 

Now I know that I certainly have those symptoms. But strictly speaking I’ve only ever had those symptoms when I’ve needed to change into being a girl. Never the other way. So that old question comes back to me again. Am I a girl? I don’t think so. The thing is that I’ve never been girl long enough to see if I have any stress or anxiousness about being a boy again.

Anyway at this stage I think that I am non-fluid bigender. Not that I’ll ever tell anyone that. I think that for now I’ll just stick with telling people that I’m transgender, and that I love it. 

Am I a girl? 

I spend a lot of my time thinking about girl things and being a girl. So does that mean I am a girl? And only a girl? Am I a transgender girl and not gender queer? I know I say I’m part boy but to be honest I don’t spend any time working on my masculinity. But I do spend a lot of time working on my feminity. 

If I have spare time I’ll be looking at girls clothes or shoes or wigs. Or I’ll be writing this blog. Or I’ll be exploring the music that Loretta loves. Or I’ll be thinking about what outfit I’m going to wear to work tomorrow. Or thinking about makeup. Or thinking about my transgender meeting. Or dreaming about wedding dresses….sigh!

Do I think about boy things when I have spare time anymore? Hmm? Bike things, technology things, boy clothes…but only about five percent of the time I spend on girls clothes, probably less. Cooking, holidays, our next outing (today it’s minecraft at the opera house!) But a lot of these things aren’t boy specific. So I guess the answer is that I don’t spend much time thinking about boy things when I have spare time. 

But does that make me a girl? I don’t think it does. I think it’s because most of my life I’ve been a boy. So it comes naturally to me. I don’t need to work on it. But my girl side? She’s in me and she’s half of me, but she doesn’t come to me as naturally as the boy side does. So it takes a lot of work to catch up to where a girl my age should be at. And I guess that’s why I spend 90% of my spare time on the girl side. 

I love my boy side. Particularly being a husband and a father. I mean really aside from that, what is it that my girl side can’t do? Certainly I’m more comfortable being a girl if I make an effort to look good. I wouldn’t be comfortable being a girl if I only made the same effort as I do to be a boy. Being a boy I get away with looking scruffy or daggy. But that’s not Loretta. Ut-uh! No way. She’s not immaculate but always well presented. And she always makes sure that she has shape.

I mean my boy side can be ready to go in the morning in 15 minutes. But my girl side, well on Friday I was ready in 45 minutes. But that was winter clothes and doing makeup in low light. Not that I’m complaining. I love transforming myself into Loretta. I know it takes time but it’s so worthwhile. So I guess my girl side can’t be a slob. I like to look nice! 

Tonight my boy side got to go to minecraft at the opera house. Now I’m not sure how my girl side would have gone with that. Going to these things I end up being a bit of a packhorse. Not that Loretta is too precious to go. But it’s certainly easier for boy me to go. 

But is that just a cop out? I actually could go as Loretta. Sure it would be a little strange family wise. But it could be done. I think that’s the key though. Being a husband and a father is very important to me. And that’s something that Loretta can’t do. So no I don’t think that I’m only a transgender girl. I’m pretty sure I’m both boy and girl. 

Photo by Elena Ferrer